2 Steps Forward, 1 Step back....

That is what I feel like.....
I felt like I was doing better (dealing with the loss of my brother). I can't exactly say what sent me spinning the past few weeks. I wish I knew so I would avoid whatever it was at all cost!! I just all of a sudden hit rock bottom again. Thank goodness not as bad as before. I also didn't hang out at the bottom of the pool for as long this time. (I talk about the bottom of the pool in a previous post, if you read it, you understand) I made an astonishing revelation. I feel like I am going through the motions. Just day comes, day goes. I literally did not feel ALIVE! How sad, I know. If there is one thing losing a loved one should teach you, is to live each day to the fullest. For some reason, I guess because a major part of me died, I just did not feel alive. I felt robotic, just going through the motions, emotionless. Not to mention there are some private issues going on that I can't make public. I know we will get through this darkness. It just feels like when you are so beat down, the hits keep coming and you just stop feeling the pain...
You come to a point, where you just sit still and wait, and wait, for the hits to stop. I feel I am picking myself up and dusting myself off. I will get back on my 2 feet and I will be stronger because all of this!! I will be a better person because of this. I will give the glory to God!
Although, this is sad to read, don't be sad for me. Be joyful, that I will make it through with God's grace! Everyday forward is one day more of healing! I know God hears me, and knows of my needs before I bring them to him. This past Friday the FINAL payment on my suburban was made!! Praise God, the Decker household now has 2 paid for vehicles!! That brings us closer to fixing our finances. After my grand revelation, I decided something major. I will come alive in '09!! That is my new slogan. "Alive in '09!!" By golly, so many things happened this year that just about killed my spirit. Guess what? I am alive in '09!! Although, I may have taken a step back I think I will lunge forward and make tremendous strides.
** I had to come back and toot my own horn. I always hit spell check before I post. Today for the first time it said "no misspellings found!!" progress already
: )