Tough Times

I am trying to think positive. It's difficult. As a church goer, believer if you will, you are suppose to learn something, get stronger, and grow when tough times come your way. Well, HAVE MERCY!! I am having a MAJOR GROWTH SPURT!!! I must say
it is accompanied with massive growing pains. I thought I was going to make it through today without crying....... NOPE. I started this blog because my brother was very ill with his diabetes. I knew I had to do something about my health, because I do not want to walk down the same road. Well, now it seems we are at or near the end of his road. He has been in the hospital for 11 days now with no improvement. There is not a day that goes by where he does not receive some sort of blood product, be it blood or platelets. He continues on his IV Antibiotics that he has been on for over 2 months, for a MRSA infection. He has C-diff in his intestine. He is no longer able to control his body. He can't turn himself in bed, put his foot up. He does move his arms. His color is yellow, his arms and legs are thinning out. He does not want to eat. He is irritable and grumpy as all get out!! I have to smile as I type that, my gosh does he give his nursing staff H*ll!! I talked to one RN and told her, give it back to him! LOL It pains me greatly to see him in this state. He so does not deserve to die this way. Nobody does. Everyday he is in agony, humiliated, embarrassed, and in constant pain. He is on dialysis 10-24 hours/day. He is taking a mountain of pills per day. I had not been out to El Paso in about 6 years. I did not want to see him in this condition. When he called and asked Christopher to be his pallbearer, I knew it was time to go!! That decision has cost my job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! He got to see his niece and nephew which he was longing to see. The family is pulling together slowly, so maybe that will be the positive out of this. I have NEVER been one of those Chica's that doesn't eat when emotional. I am now.... It is strange to have no appetite. I am reminding myself that I can't let this consume me. It is difficult. Being so far apart and being a "caretaker" I want to be there and take care of him. I have not been to the gym... I have connected with a workout partner. We have not hooked up at the gym yet. Amazing, last year I would have never thought I would be preparing myself to say goodbye to my brother. If this doesn't motivate me to take better care of myself nothing will..........