Dancing In The Rain

I have a "blurb" if you will, on my facebook page. It reads: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. I have been waiting and waiting for this "storm" to pass. I am learning to dance in the rain now. I have to give glory to God today. Glory to God that my brother went to his home, to rest in his bed, for what will be his final days. My gut was telling me he was holding out for some reason. He has refused food for about 3 days now. He stopped taking his meds and refused them inserting a nasograstric (NG) tube. I just learned that he also wants his dialysis turned off now that he is home. I also know that Hospice is now involved. My sister-in-law is dealing with so much right now. My mother with her Parkinson's is not doing much better. We had to put Mom on Valium. Not fun. I can not, nor want to imagine what it would be like to see your son dying. My brother is her oldest child. This will leave only the "girls" in the family as my father has been gone for 23 years now.
My birthday was miserable!! I have never had such a birthday. I am glad that he did not go on my birthday. Mom's birthday is 2 wks from mine. The Dr said it could take anywhere up to 2 wks. I hope it does not go that long, for the sake of my brother and sister-in-law. I pray that he go peacefully, and without pain. I pray my sister-in-law have peace in her heart. I have had a headache for THREE consecutive days now. I know it is all stress.
On a brighter note. I mentioned in my previous post that God would take care of our needs. I just want to mention that we got an unexpected check in the mail!! It was not a large amount, but every penny helps. My husband also got an unexpected bonus this week. That too was not a large sum, but it helps. These 2 checks allowed me to pay 2 bills that were due. Praise God!!
I have always loved a slow gentle rainfall. I love standing there and feeling the raindrops gently wet your skin. I feel it is cleansing. I guess that is what is going on in my life right now. I have made some MAJOR changes in my life that I will talk about later, but I know I am NOW dancing in the rain!

41 Here I come!

Here it is. The day before my 41st Birthday. I wish I could say I am excited. It has been a gloomy Sunday today. I am writing this in the wee hours of Monday morning, technically still my Sunday night. The news from El Paso regarding my brother is very depressing. This "waiting" for someone to die is truly so devastating. I have never been through anything like this in my life and hope I never have to again. When my father went, he had a brain aneurysm and went into a coma. Thrity three hours later it was over. It was a whirlwind. This is agony. The distance is sheer torture. Waiting for someone to return your call to give you an update is utterly frustrating. I am at the mercy of what, and how much my family chooses to share with me. I want to see it for myself! I want to be there! No, I don't want to see him in this condition. It was hard enough as it was, and all I know is that he looks 10 times worse. I have said from the get go that he is going on my birthday. We will see. It appears we are just days away now. He proposed to his wife (then gf) on my birthday. Silly, brother! What is he trying to say? I guess as far as birthday presents go, I can look at it from this point of view: What a better present than going home to heavan on your birthday can a person give you? I have not had the energy to go to the gym. I have been in a fog, mentally and physically. I am physically, emotionally and financially drained. We will have to make another trip to El Paso when the time comes. I am a firm believer that God knows our needs before we ask him to fulfill them. I have asked for what we need, and am now believeing he will fulfill our needs above and beyond. I will be stronger for this. I will be wiser, most of all I know I will be sad for a very long time.

Tough Times

I am trying to think positive. It's difficult. As a church goer, believer if you will, you are suppose to learn something, get stronger, and grow when tough times come your way. Well, HAVE MERCY!! I am having a MAJOR GROWTH SPURT!!! I must say
it is accompanied with massive growing pains. I thought I was going to make it through today without crying....... NOPE. I started this blog because my brother was very ill with his diabetes. I knew I had to do something about my health, because I do not want to walk down the same road. Well, now it seems we are at or near the end of his road. He has been in the hospital for 11 days now with no improvement. There is not a day that goes by where he does not receive some sort of blood product, be it blood or platelets. He continues on his IV Antibiotics that he has been on for over 2 months, for a MRSA infection. He has C-diff in his intestine. He is no longer able to control his body. He can't turn himself in bed, put his foot up. He does move his arms. His color is yellow, his arms and legs are thinning out. He does not want to eat. He is irritable and grumpy as all get out!! I have to smile as I type that, my gosh does he give his nursing staff H*ll!! I talked to one RN and told her, give it back to him! LOL It pains me greatly to see him in this state. He so does not deserve to die this way. Nobody does. Everyday he is in agony, humiliated, embarrassed, and in constant pain. He is on dialysis 10-24 hours/day. He is taking a mountain of pills per day. I had not been out to El Paso in about 6 years. I did not want to see him in this condition. When he called and asked Christopher to be his pallbearer, I knew it was time to go!! That decision has cost my job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! He got to see his niece and nephew which he was longing to see. The family is pulling together slowly, so maybe that will be the positive out of this. I have NEVER been one of those Chica's that doesn't eat when emotional. I am now.... It is strange to have no appetite. I am reminding myself that I can't let this consume me. It is difficult. Being so far apart and being a "caretaker" I want to be there and take care of him. I have not been to the gym... I have connected with a workout partner. We have not hooked up at the gym yet. Amazing, last year I would have never thought I would be preparing myself to say goodbye to my brother. If this doesn't motivate me to take better care of myself nothing will..........

Ice Ice Baby!!

Well, after a few days of gorgeous get out and walk the dogs weather we are expecting to get some ICE today! yee-ha! sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm....
I did get out and walk 3 times last week. They were good long walks and
I felt good about them. This week will be challenging. We also have a
new member to our family! We adopted a toy poodle names "Lucky!" He is really
cute. I don't know how it will go walking three dogs all at once. I normally
consider myself part Eskimo cuz I love the cold weather, but I have had enough!!
I want sunshine, green grass and sunny days by the pool. Bring it on! My challenge this week is to come up with exercises that I can do in home. I do still have my
gym membership and trying to get a workout partner is proving to be harder than
I thought!! I will not give up though! I will prevail!!

Soapbox.....

I have to vent for a bit, because if I don't then I will probably eat my frustration. I already went to IHOP for breakfast this morning, so I don't
need to misbehave the rest of the day.
Ok, here goes. This OBAMA thing... I tend to have a rule about not talking
religion/spirtuality or politics with people I'm not married too. I am
breaking this rule today. I just don't get it people! All this "history is
being made," "we have come so far" makes me feel like we are focusing on
EXACTLY what we are suppose to not be focused on... THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN!!!
I fell like shouting, HELLO! We obviously have made NO progress if all
the excitement is over a "black" president and not a "well qualified"
president, who happens to be black!? Furthermore is he really "black"?
I have brown skin, yes I do! I am Hispanic, Mexican-American, or Latin call
it what you want. I call myself an AMERICAN! Arrr! I feel my heartbeat
rising... Ok, so maybe you ask... did Chica vote for OBAMA? Obviously, NO!
You might think I am being bitter cuz my guy didn't win, yeah so?! ha ha
Don't get me wrong, I want what is best for this country. At this moment
I am having a really tough time jumping on the halleluiah, we have come so far
wagon. Am I the only one that has this perspective?
Ok, there. I can say it doesn't feel as good as a king size snickers, but I will
be happy that I vented and didn't eat my candy bar in front of the tv yelling
at Charles Gibson. : )

Facelift

What do you think? I've been wanting to do this for a long time and just have not done it. I went with hearts not for valentines, but because I LOVE myself!! Yee-ha, Woo Hoo and Yippe I Ay! Ok, so I am at least making an effort. I am also working on a "workout" partner. Lots of stuff in the works. lol I feel like this year will bring about many changes if "I" let it. I am the only one that is holding myself back, and I now realize that. Years ago in nursing school we went to a summer camp in Colorado. It was beautiful and I have to say one of the key moments in my life. We had to do this "obstacle" course if you will.... It involved swinging from one tall tree to another with the harness on you and holding on to a wire, it had a rope bridge that you had to cross and at the end it had a bar about 2-3 feet out. You were suppose to jump and grab the bar and the people on the ground would slowly let you down. This was not only physically challenging but mentally challenging. It was moving, it was life changing. I wish I could say I jumped... I didn't! What a bummer. I did sit on the board and slide off and they lowered me to the ground.
I don't consider it a failure since I did complete the course and being of my weight I think that is pretty remarkable! I don't have pictures of it, I wish I did. They are however forever etched in my mind. I feel as if I am on this course and am coming upon the end, and this time I need to jump by golly! Wish me luck!

Seems familiar

It always happens, just when you get yourself psyched up and ready to go...
BAM! You get sick! Yep! Not able to keep anything in.... I've been in bed
for 2 days now. I hate missing such a gorgeous day out especially when I know
tomorrow is going to be freezing! So what is it, feed a cold? starve a fever?
or does this nurse have it backwards? It doesn't matter, I'm going to go try
and make chicken soup. Not the open the can kind either, the throw everything
in a pot and the sheer thought of homemade chicken soup should provide
healing powers. Yeah, sure! We shall see what happens.....