2 Steps Forward, 1 Step back....

That is what I feel like.....
I felt like I was doing better (dealing with the loss of my brother). I can't exactly say what sent me spinning the past few weeks. I wish I knew so I would avoid whatever it was at all cost!! I just all of a sudden hit rock bottom again. Thank goodness not as bad as before. I also didn't hang out at the bottom of the pool for as long this time. (I talk about the bottom of the pool in a previous post, if you read it, you understand) I made an astonishing revelation. I feel like I am going through the motions. Just day comes, day goes. I literally did not feel ALIVE! How sad, I know. If there is one thing losing a loved one should teach you, is to live each day to the fullest. For some reason, I guess because a major part of me died, I just did not feel alive. I felt robotic, just going through the motions, emotionless. Not to mention there are some private issues going on that I can't make public. I know we will get through this darkness. It just feels like when you are so beat down, the hits keep coming and you just stop feeling the pain...
You come to a point, where you just sit still and wait, and wait, for the hits to stop. I feel I am picking myself up and dusting myself off. I will get back on my 2 feet and I will be stronger because all of this!! I will be a better person because of this. I will give the glory to God!
Although, this is sad to read, don't be sad for me. Be joyful, that I will make it through with God's grace! Everyday forward is one day more of healing! I know God hears me, and knows of my needs before I bring them to him. This past Friday the FINAL payment on my suburban was made!! Praise God, the Decker household now has 2 paid for vehicles!! That brings us closer to fixing our finances. After my grand revelation, I decided something major. I will come alive in '09!! That is my new slogan. "Alive in '09!!" By golly, so many things happened this year that just about killed my spirit. Guess what? I am alive in '09!! Although, I may have taken a step back I think I will lunge forward and make tremendous strides.
** I had to come back and toot my own horn. I always hit spell check before I post. Today for the first time it said "no misspellings found!!" progress already
: )

September upon us, already....

I can't believe how fast this year is going by. That's what I used to hear old people say. Now, I am one of them! What a year it has been. It's not over and there is still more to come. We started home schooling and it's going pretty good. I still don't feel as organized, but that is probably due to my OCD tendencies. Surprisingly, my child that never wanted to go to school, wakes up and is wanting to get school going. Now, she doesn't rise early, but once she does, she thinks because she is up the show must get on the road! I have been very impressed with her progress. Lorenzo and I have been struggling through math. I think I have to back him up some and review then we can move ahead. The flexibility is beyond awesome.
This past Thursday we took the day off and drove to Southlake. He wanted to see this truck that was touring the nation and only had a few stops in Texas. It has to do with a new video game coming out on September 22, 2009. It is "Halo 3 ODST" and he was pretty excited that I took him. I almost teared up there, cuz I hope he grows up and remembers these sacrifices that are made for him to have a moment of blissful, joy! As you can see, we got some pretty good pictures. It was super muggy out and standing in line was not fun. I waited inside of GameStop in the cool air- conditioning, until he got close to the front of the line.
He dominated the game once inside. It was pretty funny, that my 12you beat out some college kids. One especially had been bragging about how he dominated on XBOX live and had been "banned" from the sever because he was so good. Ahem... My son kicked his butt! He beat him by over 10,000 points. Lorenzo was the overall winner in his group of 8 players. Now, my son is not sports oriented. I have tried playing these videos games with him and I swear, I would be one of those that breaks down and has a seizure. My eyes, can't follow the darn graphics. I make him so frustrated, asking, "Which one am I?" "Now what is going on?" "Who am I suppose to shoot" "Which button again?" After about 120 seconds, he says, "Mom, just watch."
I have to be proud of him. It is hard to build self confidence in him, and I will take it however I can get it! He won a license plate cover that says, "My other car is a warthog." I told him that would look great on my suburban!
I thought I would post just a bit on this Labor Day, before I get started "laboring." I might labor away in the kitchen, not sure yet. I was out all day yesterday with my allergies gone mad! I feel better today. Maybe lay around and watch movies is about as laboring, as I plan on getting.

Big Savings!!

I have started to get a handle on coupon shopping. This past Saturday a grocery store I don't want to name, I'll discuss later why, had a super awesome promo.
They were doubling coupons up to $1!! So if you had $1 off Dannon Danimals and they were $1.88 you got them FREE!! FREE!! FREE!! From one of my coupon blogs I found a spreadsheet! That totally cracked me up, that some one took the time to create a spread sheet, pretty much section by section of the grocery store, had the price of the item pre coupon, the amount the coupon was for, then the post coupon price. WAIT, it didn't stop there! It told you where to find the coupon!! OMG! Talk about out of control. Most of the blogs have a system that will tell you the coupon provider and what date the coupon came out on. It's an easy system once you understand it. I was so excited!! Carson could not wait to go with me. She loves to Black Friday shop, too!~ Let me just Thank the Lord right here, for a girly girly that loves to shop with her mama!
I thought I would let the first round of crazy coupon folks go first and then I would hit the store. We got there at 7:30 am, a little over 2.5 hours later we emerged... I had saved $104 !!!! Yee-ha. My out of pocket was $90. Here is where I can add, anybody want some yogurt? haha I did get many free items, 4 packs of energizer batteries for .71cents, tons of free mustard (about 6 bottles) and I thought I had gotten a good deal on some Grands biscuits. After the adrenaline wore off, I looked over my receipt and thought... hmmm, I kinda expected it to be less out of pocket. Sure enough, I went through it and my biscuits all rang up at regular price!! arrrr! I went back to the store and customer service was closed. They only had one register opening so they asked if I could return the next day. The manager was very nice and polite. I went back the next day and to make a
L O N G story short, this butt head of a manager would not give me the difference!!
I was so upset. He was rude and belittling and I thought Carson was about to go off on him! She was just as upset as I was when we left the store without or money. During our heated discussion (ahem, notice I omitted all those details) I asked the manager if he would prefer I take the matter to corporate since he was being such a jerk. He said, sure! So I did! Corporate kindly credited my customer card the $20!! I was excited to have prevailed over Mr Rudeness, but more so, over the fact that it brought my saving to $124!!! Out of pocket only $70!! The funny thing, is it doesn't seem like I got lots of food in the house?! Go figure. I did get some good deals on deo, shampoo, TP, paper cups and things like that. I am going to start tracking how much money I save in one year. I don't even have an idea of what it might be.
On another happy note, I lost 6 lbs!! GLORY, GLORY, Hallelujah....
Umm, not the right song. Haha Anyway, I'm totally hyped. Yeah, whatever! I think it is from the stress of pulling together curriculum for home schooling.
Speaking of, I'm still a few things short so I'm off out in cyberspace once again, searching for books. I have some coming from Aurora, CO. So cool! I don't shop EBAY, I shop craigslist. Anyways...... I'll gracefully exit on a high note.

It's 3am, what should I be doing right now???

I know I should not be posting on my blog, that's for sure! Ever since my brother passed away my sleep schedule has been, ummm, non-existent. I can't fall asleep, when I do fall asleep, I only sleep for a few hours... You would think that I have lots accomplished during my wake time in the wee hours of the morning. NOPE! Today, I had breakfast already... cereal... clipped coupons... took a shower.. and now here I am. I did try the laying still and quiet and just resting... makes me more restless.
I was doing better (with my sleep issue), but then I found out my mother is having episodes of "falling" again. She ends up laying on the floor for hours! Crazy, stubborn, Mexican woman! She refuses to move in with anyone. Heavens forbid she go to a nursing home!! Don't you know in our culture that is right up there with abandonment. That is where family members go that you don't want around anymore (at least in her mind). She cracks me up sometimes. Seriously, I don't know what is going to become of all of it. She has not been the same since my brother passed. Having a son, I can't imagine what she is going through. A mother should never have to bury their child, no matter what age! I've asked her to come live with us, but we have no family here and that would make a very difficult transition. She doesn't want to move in with my sister.. Well, that about eliminates all her choices. I need to give it to God. Okay, let me do that.. here goes..
Hmmm, we'll see how long that lasts?!
I am finally hitting the excited stage about homeschooling. It is becoming a reality. I am sure reality will slap me in the face come August 17!! Actually, I don't know when we will begin school? I still have some lose ends to tie up. I can do this! I know I can! Not only that, but my gollie Ms Mollie, I am gonna be darn good at it! (Was that a run on sentence, with incorrect grammar? haha)
I checked my email before cruising over to my blog and got a message from a pen pal of mine. Hmm, I guess I can't technically call her pen pal... let me think. From a ...computer pal? Internet pal? cyberspace pal? Either way. We write to each other and have never met! It's so cool! I'm lost now. Oh yea... she mentioned chai tea. Mmmm, have not had some in forever. I think I'm going to go make myself a cup of warm organic green tea. Maybe that will do the trick.. sure do hope so!!

Girlfriend Time!!

I am blessed enough to say that I have a GF that I grew up with! We went to elementary school, Jr High, High School AND College together!! Not very many people can say that! Don't get me wrong. Our relationship isn't always hunky dory. (sp?)
We have had our ups and some serious downs. All in all, we manage to work things out. She is pretty much the closest thing to a "sister" that I have. We can go a good length of time without contact and manage to pick up right where we left off. We not only went through all our schooling together, but weddings, births, divorce, and unfortunately deaths. She tends to be the one that moves here and there.
I... well, stay in one place. She used to live here in Dallas, then moved to San Antonio. It had been years, and I mean years since we had seen each other. Life just gets in the way sometimes. She finally was making a trip to the big D!!
Yeee-ha! I got to see her July 15. We had such a good time!!! It was short but sweet. We meet at Uptown here in Cedar Hill. It is a pretty upscale outdoor mall that has recently been added to our lil podunk town.
I sooooooo needed to sit and have a good GF gab!! (NO, pun intended there, since my gf's name is Gabi!! haha) I had been wanting to try out this new place that sells nothing but Mac-N-Cheese. Yep! you heard me, mac-n-cheese!!
The place is called Max-N-Cheese. The noodles were as long as your fingers, and soo, soo, yummy! It comes with one "topping." You can add bacon, jalapeno, broccoli, goldfish or some other crazy thing on their list. They do sell a few sandwiches, but it would be a sin to walk out of there without some mac-n-cheese! After sitting next to the fountains eating out lunch, we walked over to Barnes and Noble to have some dessert from the Starbucks/Cheesecake Factory setup they have inside. We started talking and before we knew it, hours had flown by! My children LOVE to read, thank goodness. We can go and spend hours there and it will feel like we were there 30 minutes. We finally got our dessert, a super chocolate and chocolate chip muffin. Mmmmm, my mouth is watering remembering it.
I only ate 1/2! I quickly throw in my disclaimer, and btw I only ate the smallest portion of mac-n-cheese they offered. Not that I couldn't have had more. : )
We ate and talked some more. After the kids started getting restless we walked to a couple of stores. It is just so much fun, spending time with a friend doing everyday things. Sometimes when friends come into town you do tourist stuff and don't really get to connect. We connected! I felt so much better after her visit. I only wish I had been able to spend more time with her. She is a social butterfly and having lived here (in Dallas) previously she had plenty of "dates" set up with friends for lunch, etc.
She was suppose to stay with us, but we were getting flooring put in. Which is another long story.....
It was a great afternoon. Before we left Barnes and Nobles, I wanted to take some pictures. I got the idea to take pics with crazy books and we only had to look 2 feet at the books we were sitting next to! The one Gabi and I are holding had these Barack and Michelle Obama kinda paper doll cut outs in front of it. The one my kids are holding isn't what you think. How funny that we would find these in just a few seconds! Girlfriends + funny pics = good times!! Miss ya GF!

Happy Birthday America!!!

Wow! Here it is 4th of July already. Where did this year go? I am finally feeling like celebrating a bit. I love the fireworks. I love when you get to watch them cuddling with your "main man" and listening to the music. It's motivating to me in some strange way. I guess looking at them go up and up and going from a small spec, turning into something spectacular and beautiful, makes me feel like the sky is the limit! Strangely, my dh doesn't see it that way. He could care less about the fireworks. It's about the food for him. When isn't it about the food for that man? It's always about the food. He's a closet foodie!!
Usually, I struggle with ANY holiday. I grew up Mexican. (Yes, you are suppose to laugh there!) We made a big deal about losing your first tooth! Quick, get a keg, call your family, let's have a party! What? The baby took his first steps?! Quick, get a keg, call your family, let's have a party! Well, you get the picture...
Dh, grew up completely, entirely at the opposite end of the spectrum. It was always just his Mom, Brother, Grandmother and Grandfather. That's it!!! I kid you not! Early in our marriage, I was going through some pictures his Mother sent us. I have a photographers eye.. I can't help it! I looked at him and said.. "Do you realize that your family is sitting in exactly the same spot, wearing the same clothes, for each picture!!" They were pics of different holidays, but it was hard to tell which was when. I laughed, cuz it was such a contrast to how I grew up celebrating holidays.
We don't get invited to many houses over the holidays. Not sure why? I have lots of friends that have their family locally, and they spend it with them. We don't have any family around... so it's been like the pics my MIL sends us... just us. Thankfully, not wearing the same clothes! This year we got invited to a friend's house. Dh and him used to work together at their previous place of employment and have kept in touch. I like him, he's funny, makes me laugh and we get along. They used to joke, cuz I would call dh at work and end up talking to Mike for 10min and dh would ask him who he was talking too, and he would say.. "Oh here, it's Yvette!"
He's just a good guy. They live a good distance from us. It took awhile, but we got going. I'm glad we did. Just cuz the kids had a blast! They have a pool and the kids went swimming and swimming and played with some other kids. It was hot, and there were lots of people and guess what?? There was even a keg! Yep! (His wife is Mexican, not him. hehe) We didn't get to see fireworks.. darn it! They did have some of those lil packets of fireworks they legally sell at like Target. We went through about 4 of those kits, it was enough for the kids to ohhh, and ahhh.
My son... how do I put this.. can be a bit super observant sometimes. The adults got excited when we could hear the fireworks going off from a big show not too far away. Some were standing on chairs, we were all stretching out necks, moving here and there, trying to catch a glimpse between houses. Then my son says, "Ya know, they do this every year, and we still go all OOOhhh over them." Cracked me up! So true. From the mouth of babes...

Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal With It!!!

I don't have a good excuse for not blogging lately. I wish I did... I really, really, don't like where I am at right now. In so many areas of my life. I am trying my best to do my best and sometimes my best sucks! I haven't stayed in bed all day for weeks, so that is an improvement! I haven't gained any weight so that's also a good thing. My gym membership is gone. I've been trying to be more active with the kids. Even if it means going to a couple of stores per day. That is more activity than I had been getting, right?!
I think.. key word.. that I have finally decided to home school my kiddos. I've been researching, and researching and I am pretty close to believing that I can do this! It's amazing when I realize exactly how low self esteem can effect so many areas of your life. maybe I am finally coming to the acceptance phase in my grieving over my brother, job, best friend.. and don't like where my life is. I am figuring out where I want my life to be and how I'm going to get there. I don't want to sound bratty here, but I usually get what I want. I set a goal and go get it. I need to figure out what I am going to do with this new phase in my life. I heard someone talk about losing their job at 40yo and how they were going to venture into opening up a business. The profound statement that got me is, "You may never have this chance again in your life!" OMG! Hit me like lead bricks! This is so true!!! My kids will never be this age again. I have the opportunity to stay home with them and home school like I have always wanted too! WOW! What am I doing freaking out over, "can I do this?" I am a major control freak and here I am going to be in complete control over their education and it scares the poop out of me! The more I searched the more my fears were confirmed that kids from Charter schools are academically behind. I guess this really hit me when my kids scored perfect 100's on their TAKS test. I feel they can only be taught at the rate of the slowest kid in the class, cuz the teacher can't leave that one behind. I don't know... I just feel they aren't being challenged and they are so smart they deserve a good education! I know it will get them further in life! I want "them" to be the only thing that is going to stop them from getting what they want in life. Not their education, or lack there of. I guess I've gone full circle and have confirmed that "I" am the only one stopping me from doing what I want to do. right? right!
Get up GF, put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Ouch! I needed that! I guess enough pouting, crying, feeling sorry for myself.
Life goes on, like it or not.