Monday, June 30, 2008

Rollercoaster Ride!

I can't believe I'm such a slacker at my postings! I really thought, I would be posting like 2-3 times a day. I'm averaging maybe 6 a month. Pitiful!

So, I've know what I wanted to write about for some time now. I have just been trying to work up my nerve. There have been so many things going on, I'm impressed with myself that I am not in a constant hair pulling, full blown crying, major DIVA mode.

I guess I should begin by telling you my husband has a new job. Yea him! I however have had some major difficulty dealing with it. I am the one that does the bills, handles all the finances and ANY paperwork that comes into this house. He has no clue. He is a hard working husband that just pretty much hands over his pay check and lets me take care of it. We did negotiate a higher pay, but the benefits is what really had me on the fence about the entire deal. They would NOT start benefits until 30 days after being on the job. I didn't even know companies still did that!! I did not want to go through Cobra, it's so darn expensive.
I recently have been talking to a friend of mine that has a brain tumor and was postponing her surgery until August. We discussed her reasons why she wanted to wait. Out of nowhere I was more blunt than I intended to be and told her that maybe this was happening because she had to let go and give God control. Long story short, she talked to her husband, talked to another GF that pretty much told her the same thing, that she is a control freak (not my words) and after about 10days since our talk, she called and rescheduled her surgery for next week. A dear friend of mine, once told me that the trials we go through are usually to learn something.
Well, just cuz you are suppose to practice what ya preach, guess what happened to me????
Since I knew our benefits were changing, I felt I did not want to leave any "money" on the table. I thought I would take care of as many annuals as I could. As I have mentioned before I turned 40, which meant I needed a mammogram this year. I had one done when I was 35 to establish a baseline. It's the Monday of my husbands last week at his job, and I get a phone call at work. Apparently, I had to return for more testing. There was something that was on my films that they wanted to get more pics of, and they wanted me in "this" week!! OH MY GOSH! Talk about, freak out. It was an internal freak out. I was at work. I had to keep my composure. I know I can handle whatever this "thing" is. I was completely freaked out about the insurance situation. We were going to lose benefits in a few days. What if they tell me, I need a biopsy? What if I need surgery? The big one, I did not even want to think about, what if it was cancer?? Would the new insurance cover me with a pre-exsiting condition?? I was a wreck. By the grace of God, I managed to get in on Wednesday. It is a SUPER long story about my visit, but I will say that bottom line, I have to go back again in 6 months for another follow up to see if "it" is getting any bigger. Like I said, practice what ya preach. I had to completely give control up to God. Do you know how hard that is, as a health care worker?? Lesson learned.
My emotions had been all over the map in 3 days. I don't know why, but it always seems when God moves in my life, it happens in many areas at once. I guess, that is how an extremist like me functions best. All or none.
I am standing firmly in faith that everything will be okay. I have turned it over and am not worried about "it" and the insurance. I will go through what I am suppose to, knowing, that he is with me. It's a thin line between denial and turning over control. I don't deny the situation, I just keep telling myself, the outcome has already been determined and I am taken care of by the best Doctor there is!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday the 13th

Ohhhh, It's Friday the 13th! How did your day go? Ours went well at Chica's house. As each day of summer goes by, I have to remind myself of my goal this summer. I gave birth to polar opposites. They are only 2 1/2 years apart. Perfect, according to many child experts. Yeah right! One boy, one girl, different interests, different toys, different friends....
This summer I am determined to get them to "bond."
I have this line my kids are going to grow up telling their kids about. Hmm, I'll say it. Don't anyone freak out. I've never done, nor do I intend to do it. I want "just the thought of it" to be enough for them. So, here it is. I threaten them when they are frighting that I am going to duck tape them together until they get along. I've explained to them, it would be like a 3-legged race type thing. Ahh, how what you say, can come back and haunt you.
It was my daughter's school field day. I was in line to pick up, when I notice the music teacher coming towards my car. Instantly, my mind starts racing.... what did one of them do. I roll down the window and she has this big smile on her face. It's not often, but it happened to be a time when the hubbster and I were picking them up together. She walks over to his side of the car. I was driving. She tells us that she was in charge of the 3-legged race at field day and she had to tell us what Carson told her. "It was the funniest thing" she says. Apparently, when Carson got done with the race, she looks at her and in a completely serious face says, "OMG! Now I know what my Mom is talking about when she says she is going to duct tape me and my brother together! That was hard!!" I red face explained to her, why she said that and then she adds, "Oh yea, she told me that her and her brother don't get along." Great! It's one of those great Carson moments, you just gotta love. My child has no filter. She has a thought and her mouth spurts it out.
I mention this, cuz today, it crossed my mind. Oh boy, did it cross my mind. I have yet to carry it out, but the thought that she now knows what I'm talking about is now pretty interesting.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Strange Noises....

Just like all professional dieters, I too have tried my hand at a few diets, programs, fads, tricks, and anything else people told me would work. One program that gave me the most success talked about letting yourself get hungry. You knew you were there, when you heard your stomach growl. The concept was, that if your stomach is full, it will not make any noise. It was to train you to learn about "hunger." The other day while at the dentist, I heard the assistants stomach growl. Let me give you a visual of her. She is a cute, young, blonde, petite female. Not at all the physique of someone who routinely overeats. Pretty much, we all heard it, and she made a comment to try and not be so embarrassed about it. When I heard it, it got me thinking.... when was the last time I heard "my" stomach growl??? I couldn't remember. That's because I keep it full! duh, chica!
I took the kids to a matinee today. During the middle of it, I heard it!! LOUD and CLEAR! I just smiled. I have been trying to work on portion control. I felt good that I was not keeping myself so full. Now, before I hear it from the professional dieters, I know it's not good to get too hungry. That's the key. It's like walking a tight rope. Learning how to keep your balance, so you don't slip and fall.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Motivation in Strange Places

How embarrassing, but I'm gonna say it. I'm a "trash TV" junkie. Ya know all those trashy reality shows. Yep, addicted to a few. There is one I started to watch completely by accident. It's Workout on Bravo TV. Now, I never thought I would be one to say that I got motivation from a reality TV show where the focus is on a gay female! Well, I have. It takes patience to weed out the trash, but underneath it, there are some good motivational tools in there. The episode where the "sky labers" are in therapy and the gay guy yells, at the chubby girl, "just shut up and DO IT!" OMG! Loved it! It was like he was yelling at me. Today was the finale and they had their reveal moments. How awesome it is too see someone accomplish their goal. I have to say, as hard as it was today, I did not load my grocery cart with refined sugar! I passed the aisle with the baked goods. Whew. The hardest part was the cake mix aisle. I so wanted to buy some chocolate chip cookie mix. I didn't. Kept going. I have to do this, for me and my children. A couple of nights a week, we have been driving to our new dog friendly outdoor mall. Our dogs love the walk, and it's giving us some exercise. Last night, was just gorgeous. After it rained, it cooled down and the horrible humidity was gone. We skipped tonight. I'm dealing with a chronic sinus infection. My headache has been horrendous today. Just like the climbers on Everest continue with illness, so will I. Where is my Sherpa when I need one??

Monday, June 2, 2008

Schools out for Summer!

Whew! I can't believe we made it through. Another school year comes to a close. I always have such mixed emotion at this time. I'm excited to have time with my kids, yet I know it means they are growing up. One year closer to going away to college. Yes, I am one of those mother's that is h*ll bent on my kids going to college. I've told them, they at least have to try it, and give it an honest chance. I loved my college years! I could go off on a tangent here, but I really want to, feel I need to blog about "my journey."
I have to be honest here and say, so far I have not been doing too well. Today, I got up and went to the gym. While I was jumping and huffing in my water class, something crossed my mind. I've been a "member" of the gym since Jan 1, 2008. What do I have to show for it? I started off really well. I felt better, lost some weight and then?? I know that May is a super hectic month for us. It's Mother's Day, Nurses Week, my daughter's birthday and our Wedding Anniversary! The food and sweets are everywhere! I of course gained back the weight I had lost and then some.
I recently began having some health issues. I have many health problems, but am pretty good at being in tune with my body. I felt I had gained some weight rather quickly. I went to the Dr and got my blood pressure medicine changed around. I knew some of the weight was from swelling. I am feeling better, but the first day after changing meds around, I didn't think I was gonna make it. Perseverance.
People who know me, know that I use the term "come to Jesus talks." I need one right now. A big one. I'm going to try and give it to myself. I feel one of my biggest "jewels" I will get out of this journey is to learn to love myself. I can honestly say, I don't do that. I am working on it.
We went to a resort that has an indoor water park for my daughter's birthday. My husband and I were sitting there, people watching. It's true that America leads in overweight people. What I did notice in the women that were not overweight, was that they had a confidence in themselves that the others didn't. They all looked "taken care of." By that I mean, THEY took the time to take care of themselves. They had cute haircuts, and hi-lights, french pedicures, fake nails, etc. As a nurse, I am a caretaker by nature. Why is it, that I can't take good care of myself, love myself? This is an issue I need to find the answer too. I think it will make an avalanche happen in my life. One that is necessary to clear out some bad stuff and reveal some inner beauty. In the meantime, baby steps, baby steps.