Thursday, December 31, 2009

Farewell 2009! Hellooooooo 2010!!

Here it is just a few minutes shy of 2010. I didn't expect to post tonight. I was blog hopping and trying to catch up on some of my coupon clipping and reading the end of the year post for some of them made me want to say a few things.
This was truly the hardest year of my life! The devil did not fail to attack my life in any area! Financially, Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally.
The best part is that I'm still sittin up eatin table food!! Yeee-ha baby!
I really "heal" well with music. When I was younger, I used to call the radio my
"heartbeat," cuz I had to have it on all the time! One song that has particularly helped me heal from losing my brother is Carrie Underwoods, Temporary Home. OMG! Tearjerker! I find myself coming back to some things I had been away from and hot not even realized it.
I am looking forward to 2010, and if there is one thing I learned this year is that God is in control!
I wish I could say, I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff, but I am a control freak... so, let me say.. I'll work on that.
I have been praying about sharing my full year in full disclosure, but I don't feel strong enough yet. I know that when I am ready it will help people. When I was being personally sued by a parent in the NICU, it took me awhile but I can now share that story and show a great example of how to trust in God. Long story short, I was dropped from the lawsuit! Those 26 months were difficult also, but not near what we went through this year. With that said, I pick up my twinkling champagne glass, and make a toast:
May 2010 be filled with joy, warmth, and blessings beyond measure.
May we be a blessing to friends and strangers alike.
May it be the start of the greatest decade of our lives, and
finally.. may our bank accounts grow fatter and our waistlines
get smaller! Cheers Chicas! : )

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Trying to get organzied, but only getting overwhelmed!

Whew!! The start of a new year, already! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Sometimes when I am writing a check, (YES, I still write checks!) I start writing 199- OMG! Maybe I want to live in the 90's? Who knows? Personally, I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the 80's !! They rocked didn't they? There I go... getting off focus. Hmm, kinda like my day today. I got up, got the kids up and thought I was headed off to a productive day. WRONG! Seriously, I don't remember how.. or why.. but I ended up back in bed! Now, hold yourself up, cuz I have NEVER done this.. I slept till 2pm!!! Holy Cow Batman! I don't feel sick? I thought I was tired, but not t h a t tired?? Oh well, it's done now. I have slowly been working on getting some things organized before the new year. Umm, today... not so much. I did manage to do some laundry! Woo Hoo! Probably, only cuz I was out of clean bras! Shhh! I don't own but like 3! Guess what? I ordered 4 and they came by mail today! Have not tried them on, cuz I have been busy.. yeah.. NOT! I'm still in my "jammies."
Well, with all this organization I "dialed for dinner" tonight. Pizza Hut, Hello?
I did semi okay today... my cereal for breakfast with fresh blueberries. Sandwich and some sunchips for lunch. You will notice as the day progresses I steadily got out of control. I wanted Ice Cream. So, I asked my son to bring me some. He brought me a bowl full! I am happy to say, here it sits, melted. Okay, well at least 1/2 of it. I just couldn't eat it all. Good thing, cuz now we are having Pizza and wings for dinner. JOY! I guess I best get back to my "papers." I am working on finding out how much we spent on Christmas and how much I saved us with all my coupons and online deals. Hmmm, if only I would really have that cash in my hand... Ahhh, to dream or not to dream.. that is my dilemma.
Opps. The pics of the snow we got in North Texas! As of today it has actually snowed twice in the past week! That is like extremely unusual!

Saturday, December 26, 2009


Merry Christmas!! Yeah, I know it's the day after Christmas. So what?! Who cares?
As you can see I did not blog much this month at all. It was a difficult month and I am glad to say "I am sittin' up eating table food, and doing just fine!"
Yeah, so sometimes there are tears in my oatmeal.. it needs salt anyway right?
Ha! See, my new attitude? This was a big year for "first things." It was my first Christmas without my brother. That was difficult. I may not have mentioned it, but in Nov/Dec I lost a 29yo cousin (Olga) to H1N1 !! She left behind three young boys. She was single and had been through some dark paths in her life, but she was working on putting her life back on the right track. Sad... Just about 2 wks after that, my aunt Helen died. more sadness... My aunt Jenny was taking care of my aunt Helen in her home. Helen was one tough cookie, up until the moment she passed. It's funny, talking to one of my cousins, we joked about how we grew up being scared of her! She was a tall, big woman with a husky voice that she carried loudly! If she was in the room, everyone knew it. I can say, that because of my brother's passing I have a new memory of my aunt Helen. I got to sit and have a meal with her during my time in El Paso. She walked into my aunt's house wearing a funny hat! I wish I could describe it. It was kind of like a Cat in the Hat hat. I want to say it was purple, but not sure.. I'll have to go back and look at the pictures. Anyway, I now think of my aunt as, my aunt with the funny hat. smile..
Interestingly, enough my aunt Jenny took in my cousin's three boys. I guess she will get custody of them and raise them as her boys. She has three grown children and now she is starting all over again. Whew! God Bless her!
I know I went off on a tangent there.. oh well. Life happens. The greatest and biggest, bestest first of all was that this was our FIRST EVER creditless Christmas!! Yep! Yee-ha!! We or "I" since I did 95% of the shopping did not charge a red cent!! The greatest thing is that the presents were better than ever this year!! Since my coupon shopping started, I have been able to get some SUPER good deals! One deal I got was to do a 30day free Trial of AmazonPrime. I signed up on Novemeber 22 and made sure it was not automatic renewal and shopped my heart out! With that little benefit I got FREE SHIPPING on ALL my orders! OMG! I joked that the neighbors were going to think I started selling drugs or something. The delivery trucks, just kept coming and coming. Fed Ex, UPS, USPS, it was awesome!
I have not done the tally on how much we spent and how much we saved, but I know it is significant. OMG! Another great giant First was the kids FIRST WHITE CHRISTMAS!!
Yep! We actually got snow in North Texas for Christmas! It actually came Christmas eve, but was still on the ground Christmas morning and throughout the day. Okay, Okay, so it was not much, but heck, It was snow nonetheless!
It is beautiful and sunny out today. Not much evidence of a white Christmas anymore, just the evidence of a bright sunshiny day!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

When you and your BF get the Big D...

I'm talkin about divorce. What I am not talkin about is in relation to marriage. I'm talkin about in relation to relationships. When you have been "friends" with someone for so many years and you spend day after day after day together while your spouses are at work, you are pretty much "married" to one another in a gf sort of way. I may have mentioned it briefly before that with my brother's passing came several other losses that are difficult to discuss. I have touched on losing my job, what I also lost was my best friend. We could not see eye to eye on dealing with grief and treating someone going through grief, should be. I know that doesn't make sense, so I will try to explain. Basically, I felt one way and my bf felt another about how a person should respond to someones passing. This is a big issue! I had to take a step back and realize that if our views are that different when the chips are down, I need to re-evaluate our relationship. It's at those times in life when you need your "partner in crime" the most, and if they tell you they can't be by your side...... what do you??!!! As hard as it was, I did what had to be done. We got a divorce. It's okay to chuckle here, if ya want. Seriously, that is what I call it. Our children were best friends with each other since they were in Mother's Day out. During the summers we literally would spend 8hrs/day together 5 days/wk! Now, here comes the explanation as to why I call it a divorce...
The children - they still want to see each other. I knew it was not like I was never going to speak to my bf again, I just knew I couldn't continue investing that much time and energy into a relationship that was not going to be there for me when I needed it the most. Sooooo, when the time comes for the kids to hang out, one of us drops off the kids, acts cordial, makes arrangements for pick up if they have not been made and heads out the door. Isn't that kind of like when a married couple gets divorced?? (minus the lawyer, lots of money and battle over who gets to keep the lake house) smile, chuckle here... I know, I should not joke about divorce. People that have been through it would not compare it. I just know that it was "dissolving" a relationship that was together for many years and it hurts..
It hurts real bad sometimes. I just don't like being "single" or "bf-less". lol
My ex-bf has a new bf, and that is fine and dandy. I'm not jealous. I think when you have been hurt so bad, you tend to be a bit gun shy and I have actually probably subconsciously done the opposite and pushed some of my other friends away. I did the same thing when my father passed. I know I made it through and I am sittin' up eating table food, so I will be okay. The table food comment, came from a gay friend of mine that took me out to eat one night because I was so heart broken over the man in my life at the time. He sat there with all his gay, black self and told me... "GURRRLLLLL! You are sittin' up, you are eating table food, you are doing JUST FINE!!" I loved that moment!! To this day, I remind myself when times get tough.... I'm sittin' up, I'm eating table food, I'm doing just fine!! I have to add, eating at Spaghetti Warehouse is just never the same though. I wonder what happened to him? My gay black friend.. last I heard he was in Florida... Well, I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest and had a good cry. Until next time Chicas !! Ciao
**the image is a piece my son made on the computer. He titled it, "Mr Happy."
kinda fitting isn't it?

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Seriously? Did I only blog once last month? Usually, I average once a week, or 4 per month which I think is fairly decent for my sooo exciting life. Wow!
Well, this is going to be brief and concise...
1- Had a Dr's appt. At my highest weight ever! So not happy! BEST lab results ever!! Go figure!!??
2-Halloween was super OOC!! (out of control) Family went in 3 different directions. Lorenzo went to his first ever lock in. I was very nervous and got very lil sleep. He did great and placed 3rd in the Halo tournament. Great job son!
I had a super hilarious costume that cost me nothing! yeah! I was the H1N1 vaccine and DH was the swine flu! That cost us nothing as well, cuz I made the pig snout out of card stock and the rest was stuff we had.
3-Woke up Nov 1, to the nast surprise of a brick through the back window of my suburban!! ARRRRRRR! So NOT cool! Tomorrow I have the pleasure of dealing with
glass companies to come out and fix it. Wish I could find those kids!! Apparently, several things were done in our neighborhood and another one not to far away!
Well, I am one tired pup. off 2 bed.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

He has never left

I've been away for some time now. I don't know why. I feel like I am in a state of being still. I want to be still and listen to what I am suppose to hear. Today, I spent most of the day in bed. I woke up feeling yucky! Body aches, cough, hoarse voice and feeling like a MAC truck hit me. (That is the mechanic wife in me talking haha) I did some homeopathic remedies and am feeling like I'm going to live! Hubby called on his way home and asked if he could get me anything and of course, I said, "Sonic sweet tea." My route 44 sweet tea may have done the trick also.
okay, where was I... Ahh, yes. Since I slept most of the day, I am now up and surfing the net. I am going to bed right after I post this. I came across a blog and began reading the writers profile. There were some very profound words that hit me. In her profile she briefly mentioned some difficult moments in her life and how God had never left her side, he was there with her the entire time. Have mercy, did I need to read that!! It made me realize that no matter what I am going through, and how alone I may feel, he is always there by my side. I know this, but sometimes, it doesn't hurt to be reminded of exactly what that means and how powerful his presence can be in our lives. With that, I'm off to dreamland Chicas.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Words Can be Music to Your Ears!

Earlier this week, we had some spectacular weather! The perfect temperature, to open your windows and air the house out after running the A/C all summer. There was a perfect breeze. The house did not get hot, nor was it too cold. My husband walked in the door from work and said, "This house sounds so alive!" I almost fell over. I looked at him and said, "what did you say?" He repeated it, "this house sounds so alive! With the dogs barking, and I can hear the kids and the music playing. It just sounds full of life." Thank you God for small moments that you send confirmation to us through others that have NO clue! I am praying this week, to make sure I am where God wants me to be at this time. I love being home with my children and home schooling them. I just want to be certain I am not suppose to be do anything else along with all that. Well, just a quick note I had to share with ya'll. The great State Fair of Texas kicked off today, and as of today we only have 90 days till Christmas! Woo hoo!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step back....

That is what I feel like.....
I felt like I was doing better (dealing with the loss of my brother). I can't exactly say what sent me spinning the past few weeks. I wish I knew so I would avoid whatever it was at all cost!! I just all of a sudden hit rock bottom again. Thank goodness not as bad as before. I also didn't hang out at the bottom of the pool for as long this time. (I talk about the bottom of the pool in a previous post, if you read it, you understand) I made an astonishing revelation. I feel like I am going through the motions. Just day comes, day goes. I literally did not feel ALIVE! How sad, I know. If there is one thing losing a loved one should teach you, is to live each day to the fullest. For some reason, I guess because a major part of me died, I just did not feel alive. I felt robotic, just going through the motions, emotionless. Not to mention there are some private issues going on that I can't make public. I know we will get through this darkness. It just feels like when you are so beat down, the hits keep coming and you just stop feeling the pain...
You come to a point, where you just sit still and wait, and wait, for the hits to stop. I feel I am picking myself up and dusting myself off. I will get back on my 2 feet and I will be stronger because all of this!! I will be a better person because of this. I will give the glory to God!
Although, this is sad to read, don't be sad for me. Be joyful, that I will make it through with God's grace! Everyday forward is one day more of healing! I know God hears me, and knows of my needs before I bring them to him. This past Friday the FINAL payment on my suburban was made!! Praise God, the Decker household now has 2 paid for vehicles!! That brings us closer to fixing our finances. After my grand revelation, I decided something major. I will come alive in '09!! That is my new slogan. "Alive in '09!!" By golly, so many things happened this year that just about killed my spirit. Guess what? I am alive in '09!! Although, I may have taken a step back I think I will lunge forward and make tremendous strides.
** I had to come back and toot my own horn. I always hit spell check before I post. Today for the first time it said "no misspellings found!!" progress already
: )

Monday, September 7, 2009

September upon us, already....

I can't believe how fast this year is going by. That's what I used to hear old people say. Now, I am one of them! What a year it has been. It's not over and there is still more to come. We started home schooling and it's going pretty good. I still don't feel as organized, but that is probably due to my OCD tendencies. Surprisingly, my child that never wanted to go to school, wakes up and is wanting to get school going. Now, she doesn't rise early, but once she does, she thinks because she is up the show must get on the road! I have been very impressed with her progress. Lorenzo and I have been struggling through math. I think I have to back him up some and review then we can move ahead. The flexibility is beyond awesome.
This past Thursday we took the day off and drove to Southlake. He wanted to see this truck that was touring the nation and only had a few stops in Texas. It has to do with a new video game coming out on September 22, 2009. It is "Halo 3 ODST" and he was pretty excited that I took him. I almost teared up there, cuz I hope he grows up and remembers these sacrifices that are made for him to have a moment of blissful, joy! As you can see, we got some pretty good pictures. It was super muggy out and standing in line was not fun. I waited inside of GameStop in the cool air- conditioning, until he got close to the front of the line.
He dominated the game once inside. It was pretty funny, that my 12you beat out some college kids. One especially had been bragging about how he dominated on XBOX live and had been "banned" from the sever because he was so good. Ahem... My son kicked his butt! He beat him by over 10,000 points. Lorenzo was the overall winner in his group of 8 players. Now, my son is not sports oriented. I have tried playing these videos games with him and I swear, I would be one of those that breaks down and has a seizure. My eyes, can't follow the darn graphics. I make him so frustrated, asking, "Which one am I?" "Now what is going on?" "Who am I suppose to shoot" "Which button again?" After about 120 seconds, he says, "Mom, just watch."
I have to be proud of him. It is hard to build self confidence in him, and I will take it however I can get it! He won a license plate cover that says, "My other car is a warthog." I told him that would look great on my suburban!
I thought I would post just a bit on this Labor Day, before I get started "laboring." I might labor away in the kitchen, not sure yet. I was out all day yesterday with my allergies gone mad! I feel better today. Maybe lay around and watch movies is about as laboring, as I plan on getting.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Big Savings!!

I have started to get a handle on coupon shopping. This past Saturday a grocery store I don't want to name, I'll discuss later why, had a super awesome promo.
They were doubling coupons up to $1!! So if you had $1 off Dannon Danimals and they were $1.88 you got them FREE!! FREE!! FREE!! From one of my coupon blogs I found a spreadsheet! That totally cracked me up, that some one took the time to create a spread sheet, pretty much section by section of the grocery store, had the price of the item pre coupon, the amount the coupon was for, then the post coupon price. WAIT, it didn't stop there! It told you where to find the coupon!! OMG! Talk about out of control. Most of the blogs have a system that will tell you the coupon provider and what date the coupon came out on. It's an easy system once you understand it. I was so excited!! Carson could not wait to go with me. She loves to Black Friday shop, too!~ Let me just Thank the Lord right here, for a girly girly that loves to shop with her mama!
I thought I would let the first round of crazy coupon folks go first and then I would hit the store. We got there at 7:30 am, a little over 2.5 hours later we emerged... I had saved $104 !!!! Yee-ha. My out of pocket was $90. Here is where I can add, anybody want some yogurt? haha I did get many free items, 4 packs of energizer batteries for .71cents, tons of free mustard (about 6 bottles) and I thought I had gotten a good deal on some Grands biscuits. After the adrenaline wore off, I looked over my receipt and thought... hmmm, I kinda expected it to be less out of pocket. Sure enough, I went through it and my biscuits all rang up at regular price!! arrrr! I went back to the store and customer service was closed. They only had one register opening so they asked if I could return the next day. The manager was very nice and polite. I went back the next day and to make a
L O N G story short, this butt head of a manager would not give me the difference!!
I was so upset. He was rude and belittling and I thought Carson was about to go off on him! She was just as upset as I was when we left the store without or money. During our heated discussion (ahem, notice I omitted all those details) I asked the manager if he would prefer I take the matter to corporate since he was being such a jerk. He said, sure! So I did! Corporate kindly credited my customer card the $20!! I was excited to have prevailed over Mr Rudeness, but more so, over the fact that it brought my saving to $124!!! Out of pocket only $70!! The funny thing, is it doesn't seem like I got lots of food in the house?! Go figure. I did get some good deals on deo, shampoo, TP, paper cups and things like that. I am going to start tracking how much money I save in one year. I don't even have an idea of what it might be.
On another happy note, I lost 6 lbs!! GLORY, GLORY, Hallelujah....
Umm, not the right song. Haha Anyway, I'm totally hyped. Yeah, whatever! I think it is from the stress of pulling together curriculum for home schooling.
Speaking of, I'm still a few things short so I'm off out in cyberspace once again, searching for books. I have some coming from Aurora, CO. So cool! I don't shop EBAY, I shop craigslist. Anyways...... I'll gracefully exit on a high note.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's 3am, what should I be doing right now???

I know I should not be posting on my blog, that's for sure! Ever since my brother passed away my sleep schedule has been, ummm, non-existent. I can't fall asleep, when I do fall asleep, I only sleep for a few hours... You would think that I have lots accomplished during my wake time in the wee hours of the morning. NOPE! Today, I had breakfast already... cereal... clipped coupons... took a shower.. and now here I am. I did try the laying still and quiet and just resting... makes me more restless.
I was doing better (with my sleep issue), but then I found out my mother is having episodes of "falling" again. She ends up laying on the floor for hours! Crazy, stubborn, Mexican woman! She refuses to move in with anyone. Heavens forbid she go to a nursing home!! Don't you know in our culture that is right up there with abandonment. That is where family members go that you don't want around anymore (at least in her mind). She cracks me up sometimes. Seriously, I don't know what is going to become of all of it. She has not been the same since my brother passed. Having a son, I can't imagine what she is going through. A mother should never have to bury their child, no matter what age! I've asked her to come live with us, but we have no family here and that would make a very difficult transition. She doesn't want to move in with my sister.. Well, that about eliminates all her choices. I need to give it to God. Okay, let me do that.. here goes..
Hmmm, we'll see how long that lasts?!
I am finally hitting the excited stage about homeschooling. It is becoming a reality. I am sure reality will slap me in the face come August 17!! Actually, I don't know when we will begin school? I still have some lose ends to tie up. I can do this! I know I can! Not only that, but my gollie Ms Mollie, I am gonna be darn good at it! (Was that a run on sentence, with incorrect grammar? haha)
I checked my email before cruising over to my blog and got a message from a pen pal of mine. Hmm, I guess I can't technically call her pen pal... let me think. From a pal? Internet pal? cyberspace pal? Either way. We write to each other and have never met! It's so cool! I'm lost now. Oh yea... she mentioned chai tea. Mmmm, have not had some in forever. I think I'm going to go make myself a cup of warm organic green tea. Maybe that will do the trick.. sure do hope so!!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Girlfriend Time!!

I am blessed enough to say that I have a GF that I grew up with! We went to elementary school, Jr High, High School AND College together!! Not very many people can say that! Don't get me wrong. Our relationship isn't always hunky dory. (sp?)
We have had our ups and some serious downs. All in all, we manage to work things out. She is pretty much the closest thing to a "sister" that I have. We can go a good length of time without contact and manage to pick up right where we left off. We not only went through all our schooling together, but weddings, births, divorce, and unfortunately deaths. She tends to be the one that moves here and there.
I... well, stay in one place. She used to live here in Dallas, then moved to San Antonio. It had been years, and I mean years since we had seen each other. Life just gets in the way sometimes. She finally was making a trip to the big D!!
Yeee-ha! I got to see her July 15. We had such a good time!!! It was short but sweet. We meet at Uptown here in Cedar Hill. It is a pretty upscale outdoor mall that has recently been added to our lil podunk town.
I sooooooo needed to sit and have a good GF gab!! (NO, pun intended there, since my gf's name is Gabi!! haha) I had been wanting to try out this new place that sells nothing but Mac-N-Cheese. Yep! you heard me, mac-n-cheese!!
The place is called Max-N-Cheese. The noodles were as long as your fingers, and soo, soo, yummy! It comes with one "topping." You can add bacon, jalapeno, broccoli, goldfish or some other crazy thing on their list. They do sell a few sandwiches, but it would be a sin to walk out of there without some mac-n-cheese! After sitting next to the fountains eating out lunch, we walked over to Barnes and Noble to have some dessert from the Starbucks/Cheesecake Factory setup they have inside. We started talking and before we knew it, hours had flown by! My children LOVE to read, thank goodness. We can go and spend hours there and it will feel like we were there 30 minutes. We finally got our dessert, a super chocolate and chocolate chip muffin. Mmmmm, my mouth is watering remembering it.
I only ate 1/2! I quickly throw in my disclaimer, and btw I only ate the smallest portion of mac-n-cheese they offered. Not that I couldn't have had more. : )
We ate and talked some more. After the kids started getting restless we walked to a couple of stores. It is just so much fun, spending time with a friend doing everyday things. Sometimes when friends come into town you do tourist stuff and don't really get to connect. We connected! I felt so much better after her visit. I only wish I had been able to spend more time with her. She is a social butterfly and having lived here (in Dallas) previously she had plenty of "dates" set up with friends for lunch, etc.
She was suppose to stay with us, but we were getting flooring put in. Which is another long story.....
It was a great afternoon. Before we left Barnes and Nobles, I wanted to take some pictures. I got the idea to take pics with crazy books and we only had to look 2 feet at the books we were sitting next to! The one Gabi and I are holding had these Barack and Michelle Obama kinda paper doll cut outs in front of it. The one my kids are holding isn't what you think. How funny that we would find these in just a few seconds! Girlfriends + funny pics = good times!! Miss ya GF!

Happy Birthday America!!!

Wow! Here it is 4th of July already. Where did this year go? I am finally feeling like celebrating a bit. I love the fireworks. I love when you get to watch them cuddling with your "main man" and listening to the music. It's motivating to me in some strange way. I guess looking at them go up and up and going from a small spec, turning into something spectacular and beautiful, makes me feel like the sky is the limit! Strangely, my dh doesn't see it that way. He could care less about the fireworks. It's about the food for him. When isn't it about the food for that man? It's always about the food. He's a closet foodie!!
Usually, I struggle with ANY holiday. I grew up Mexican. (Yes, you are suppose to laugh there!) We made a big deal about losing your first tooth! Quick, get a keg, call your family, let's have a party! What? The baby took his first steps?! Quick, get a keg, call your family, let's have a party! Well, you get the picture...
Dh, grew up completely, entirely at the opposite end of the spectrum. It was always just his Mom, Brother, Grandmother and Grandfather. That's it!!! I kid you not! Early in our marriage, I was going through some pictures his Mother sent us. I have a photographers eye.. I can't help it! I looked at him and said.. "Do you realize that your family is sitting in exactly the same spot, wearing the same clothes, for each picture!!" They were pics of different holidays, but it was hard to tell which was when. I laughed, cuz it was such a contrast to how I grew up celebrating holidays.
We don't get invited to many houses over the holidays. Not sure why? I have lots of friends that have their family locally, and they spend it with them. We don't have any family around... so it's been like the pics my MIL sends us... just us. Thankfully, not wearing the same clothes! This year we got invited to a friend's house. Dh and him used to work together at their previous place of employment and have kept in touch. I like him, he's funny, makes me laugh and we get along. They used to joke, cuz I would call dh at work and end up talking to Mike for 10min and dh would ask him who he was talking too, and he would say.. "Oh here, it's Yvette!"
He's just a good guy. They live a good distance from us. It took awhile, but we got going. I'm glad we did. Just cuz the kids had a blast! They have a pool and the kids went swimming and swimming and played with some other kids. It was hot, and there were lots of people and guess what?? There was even a keg! Yep! (His wife is Mexican, not him. hehe) We didn't get to see fireworks.. darn it! They did have some of those lil packets of fireworks they legally sell at like Target. We went through about 4 of those kits, it was enough for the kids to ohhh, and ahhh.
My son... how do I put this.. can be a bit super observant sometimes. The adults got excited when we could hear the fireworks going off from a big show not too far away. Some were standing on chairs, we were all stretching out necks, moving here and there, trying to catch a glimpse between houses. Then my son says, "Ya know, they do this every year, and we still go all OOOhhh over them." Cracked me up! So true. From the mouth of babes...

Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal With It!!!

I don't have a good excuse for not blogging lately. I wish I did... I really, really, don't like where I am at right now. In so many areas of my life. I am trying my best to do my best and sometimes my best sucks! I haven't stayed in bed all day for weeks, so that is an improvement! I haven't gained any weight so that's also a good thing. My gym membership is gone. I've been trying to be more active with the kids. Even if it means going to a couple of stores per day. That is more activity than I had been getting, right?!
I think.. key word.. that I have finally decided to home school my kiddos. I've been researching, and researching and I am pretty close to believing that I can do this! It's amazing when I realize exactly how low self esteem can effect so many areas of your life. maybe I am finally coming to the acceptance phase in my grieving over my brother, job, best friend.. and don't like where my life is. I am figuring out where I want my life to be and how I'm going to get there. I don't want to sound bratty here, but I usually get what I want. I set a goal and go get it. I need to figure out what I am going to do with this new phase in my life. I heard someone talk about losing their job at 40yo and how they were going to venture into opening up a business. The profound statement that got me is, "You may never have this chance again in your life!" OMG! Hit me like lead bricks! This is so true!!! My kids will never be this age again. I have the opportunity to stay home with them and home school like I have always wanted too! WOW! What am I doing freaking out over, "can I do this?" I am a major control freak and here I am going to be in complete control over their education and it scares the poop out of me! The more I searched the more my fears were confirmed that kids from Charter schools are academically behind. I guess this really hit me when my kids scored perfect 100's on their TAKS test. I feel they can only be taught at the rate of the slowest kid in the class, cuz the teacher can't leave that one behind. I don't know... I just feel they aren't being challenged and they are so smart they deserve a good education! I know it will get them further in life! I want "them" to be the only thing that is going to stop them from getting what they want in life. Not their education, or lack there of. I guess I've gone full circle and have confirmed that "I" am the only one stopping me from doing what I want to do. right? right!
Get up GF, put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Ouch! I needed that! I guess enough pouting, crying, feeling sorry for myself.
Life goes on, like it or not.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sad Day in Hollywood

This morning news broke that Farah Fawcett lost her battle with anal cancer. The media coverage was pretty much all the same. It was a very nice statement saying her long time love and best friend were by her side. A few hours later I heard a blurb that there was a 911 call from Micheal Jackson's home. I really didn't pay attention to it. The poor man could hardly go to the bathroom without it being made public.
In the late afternoon I was on the phone with my aunt when she told me to hold on, because her other line was ringing. She came back and told me that my cousin called to say that the news was reporting that Micheal Jackson had died!! OMG! I immediately turned to CNN as did she. I was in shock and disbelief. I called my daughter into the room and she said she had seen the crawler on the show she was watching. This is funny... She said she checked the info to see the date of the show. You know how some shows are old. Well, it happened to be an old show, so she just dismissed it and didn't think anything of it. I was impressed that she would think to check the date. Her and my son were default fans because when his songs would come on the radio, I of course growing up with his music would know every word and sing my heart out.
It saddens my heart to hear some of the comments people make about him even after his death. On facebook, a friend of mine made a not very nice comment and I could not keep my fingers still. I had to type my rebuttal. Think of him what you may, he had a tremendous impact on music and entertainment. There will never be another like him. I am sad for the families that have to deal with the addition of negative remarks at this time. It really is never an appropriate time. I personally feel he is not guilty of the horrible things he went to court for. He was not acquitted for any charge, btw.
Nonetheless, within a weeks time Hollywood has lost some major stars. Ed McMahon died earlier in the week. I was not aware of it, until watching the coverage there was a comment about how they come in 3's. Having worked in the NICU, I unfortunately have seen first hand how that happens. We would lose one baby, soon the next would follow and sometimes it would come right after we would lose the third. It is so disturbing to see that trend.
It is difficult to hear news like this. I did tear up some, I am not embarrassed to say. He was an idol in my era. He will be sadly missed. As for Ms Farah, I think she handled her situation with grace and dignity. I hope that her journey she documented helps others.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Reflecting on Father's Day

It's Father's Day today. It is always a bitter sweet day for me. I lost my father 23 years ago. Wow! As you know, this year I lost my brother. Having my Dad gone for so long, my brother was in a dual role. Gosh, darn it! I'm already crying..

Okay, I'm back.
Where was I? Ah yes.. I was not sure how I would feel today. I know that I have to be thankful that "MY" children have a father to celebrate the day with. I am! Don't get me wrong. It's "my" father missing that brings me down. I have come to realize that a father is irreplaceable! I don't know why, God thinks some of us will do okay, without one. I have learned this. God taketh, and he giveth. Yeah, I know that I said it backwards. I say it that way, cuz I have come to realize that he really does know what he is doing! Imagine that! I've reconnected with a friend of mine from HS. In just the few months we have been in contact again, I have gotten very comfortable with him. I am trying to view it this way. God took my sick brother that needed to get some rest and gave me a younger healthier "brother" in my life. Thanks big guy! It helps the hurt when I think of it that way.
I hope that Dad and Tiny are having an awesome first Father's Day together in so many years!
With our current cut in income we have not done major gifts for each other on Mother's Day or Father's Day. I cooked my butt off this week for Chris. He loves Mexican food and that is what he wanted. I also cleaned out "most" of the garage. He was complaining of it getting too cluttered. Since losing my brother with the depression my organizing OCD compulsion has gone to the way side. It is amazing how quickly things pile up in just 6 months! All in all, I have to say it was cleansing. Gathering all the stuff that needed to go, baggin it up, and getting it out is kind of like all the sad, hurt and pain that I need to let go of and get
it bagged up and outta here! In between all the cooking and garage I actually managed to organize my closet. It looks so cool now! I should have done before and after pictures. Oh well.
It's been an emotional roller coaster weekend. I'm glad the ride is over.
Until next time Chicas!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

School Decisions

The other day at a pool party, talking with friends, we got into discussing schools for our children. Why is it, that these days we spend so much time dealing with which school our children will go to? Our parents didn't have this on their plate. They shipped us off to public school and off we went. All was well. Nobody questioned it. Nobody wondered if they were doing the right thing. I am spending HOURS and DAYS dealing with this decision this summer! It is driving me crazy!
Do we complicate matters for ourselves, or is life really this complicated nowadays??

Monday, June 15, 2009

Ah Ha Moment....

So I stepped on the scale and things are not looking good.
I know I am now home FT. This is different. I was thinking
about how I felt when my brother passed. I literally had NO
appetite. That was the first time in my life that I have ever
truly felt such sorrow. I have suffered several MAJOR loses in
my life. Some I have never talked about. Even then I did not feel
like I did recently. I guess what I realized is that, "this moment" could
very well be the first time I have ever truly, truly, let my guard down
and let myself feel what I was feeling, and not hide behind a fake smile.
I hope this revelation will lead me to why I chose food to cover/hide my
feelings. Is it to fill the empty void so many overweight people speak of?
My mind is spinning. I feel like I have made great strides, but I can't
explain it yet. Thank you Lord, for this revelation. I believe by me realzing
this I am ready to move forward and take another step. One step at a time...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Period

Yep. We are there. The time a mom thinks will come wayyyy down the road. Nope! Since 3rd grade the discussion began. At that time we went over what it was, what happens, how often, just the basics. I knew there would come a day that she would be ready for more information. The day came. Thankfully, I think I was a bit prepared with my "props." I had a sample of a panti-liner, regular pad with wings, super tampon, and a regular tampon. I had requested a sample from a freebie sight and it came with one of each. I stashed it and knew it would come in handy one day.
I had her bring a pair of her panties and we went over how to correctly place each one and what the "wings" are for, and when to use a pad vs a panti-liner....
Then the fun part began. She had been asking lots of questions, because apparently a classmate of her's walked through the rite of passage over the weekend. The poor thing started while swimming. My poor daughter was so worried that she would start one day while we were swimming. We swim about 3 times a week during the summer. She asked me if they have to drain the entire pool when that happens. I felt sooo bad that she had been so worried. Thank goodness, she only went through a few hours of agony and had the courage to come talk to me after school!!
Well, because of her friends incident she wanted to know about tampons. She heard you are suppose to use those when you go swimming. I opened one up and showed her how to insert it, just using my hands while explaining where it went. I then put it under running water and showed her how it expands and can possibly leak and why you need some protection even while wearing a tampon. I did tell her, for a few hours in the pool it would be ok, however be sure to tuck the string in so it is not noticeable. I also showed her how to position herself to make it easier if she wanted to try to use them. I don't keep any in the house, so I have no worries of her hurting herself or anything. She would have to ask me to buy some or of course, could get one from a friend at school.
Finally, I went over steps to take should it happen while she was at school. I gave her a pad and a pantiliner to keep in her locker. Even though there are only a few days of school left, I could tell it gave her tons of peace of mind. Me on the other hand is now freaking out that my just turned 10 baby girl is growing up faster than I am ready for!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Good Gathering

I've been on facebook (fb) for awhile now. I recently got reconnected to a fried from elementary school. She led to a cascade effect of friends from High School, Jr High and Elementary. It has been fun seeing where people live now and who has how many kids and what career paths some ended up walking down.
Back in February, I spontaneously met up with Victor, and we went to Dick's Last Resort for a super fun night of ELVIS impersonators! What a blast that was. So last night, he held a small intimate gathering at his house for some super yummy "Chico's Tacos!"
Now, if you are not from EL Paso, you most likely do not understand the hype about these tacos. You can only find them in El Paso. They are super cheap! When we were growing up we would go out and party like rock stars and take the last few dollars you could scrape up and get a full tummy on a double order with extra cheese! My mouth is watering just typing this...
Victor went to ELP over Mother's Day weekend and brought back some tacos for us!
What a sweetheart! He apparently showed great restraint not eating them all up during the week. Just between us, I don't believe him. HeHeHe
I think he just bought extra. I know I would have!!
When we arrived at his house, he opens the door and had on a actual "Chico's Tacos" t-shirt! It was too funny. He actually brought back the paper bowls and everything to make it as authentic as possible. My husband didn't really understand what the hype was all about. I told him, I guess maybe we are tasting the memories. Not sure, but they are yummy. Don't get me wrong. It's not like gourmet yummy. It's like, that funky, craving you get over something that only you understand.
I'm glad we went. It was a beautiful evening outside on his patio. We came back home and found that Carson had frosted her cake, but didn't cut it, cuz she wanted us to see it. It was so cute, but she was wiped out and asleep when we got home.
She got to cut her cake with her Bff Nicole today, so all was well!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

And the Angels Sang.....

I'm referring to what happened when I walked into the gym for the first time in several months! Yes, I said months. Obviously running into my water instructor at Costco was not enough to get my butt back in gear. What did it? I have been having swelling in my left lower leg. It has been going on for literally years!! It gets better and then gets worse. I literally can have it an inch bigger than the other leg. Yes, I'm a nurse. We measure things like this. : )
I went to the Dr and had a doppler study done. I've had one done years ago and they were not concerned. Well, this time he tells me that there is "back pooling" in both my legs, but it is worse on the left. JOY! Then he says... I think it looks blue. WHAT? NO, it doesn't! I admit when it gets really swollen it does look horrible. The day I went to see him was not so bad. Oh well, there ya have it. The thought of losing my leg, or legs finally got me moving again.
I'm still pretty depressed. I thought I was doing better and today, as I was walking out of the locker room I see my water instructor. (Racheal) She is the same one I ran into at Costco... She only teaches on Mondays, so she had just worked out herself. I said, HI and she was happy to see me at the gym. She said something towards me not having been in such a long time and I finally told her that I had lost my brother. She polietly said, she was sorry about that... and then it happens... I start tearing up!!! I couldn't believe it! I thought I was coming to a point where I could talk about it and not cry... Maybe I'm just PMS'ing?
In the meantime, I have desperately been trying to keep myself busy with easy mindless work. Carson's teacher asked me to help decorate their classroom for "college week." She picked UT, so it was longhorn city! The great thing is, that we worked so hard, WE WON! I say, "we" cuz when you go for 5 hours on a Saturday and spend 2 more days during school hours.. that is a "we" project!
She took pics of the Principal and VP's and put their faces on cheerleaders.
It was so funny and cute!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Award Time!!

I had been saving this news for a rainy day. After the weekend I had, I most definitely need some cheering up! A dear friend MaBunny gave me my first award!
Just want to say "Muchas Gracias conejita!" I think I am suppose to pass to 10 other bloggers? I am not much of a follower.... I'll figure something out.
It's a sisterhood award, which is great, cuz I need more sisters in my life.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

An Old Friend.....

I was out of my usual shopping territory today. Why? Because I drive all over America and shop where and when the desire happens to hit me. Okay... Well, to my surprise I hear my name being called. I turn around and I see an old friend of mine. You know how people come and go in our lives and not that any bad blood is between you, for some strange reason you lose touch. For us, I think it was when we moved churches. Anyway, we used to be pretty close back when. She underwent the bypass surgery and has had great success with it. (I don't know about the inside but she looks GREAT on the outside) Anyway, every time I happen to run into her, I end up feeling down. Like, that could be me. Why didn't I do it back then? For some strange reason it had a profound affect on me today. When I got to the car I called dh and told him how I felt. Being the great hubster that he is, he said, "you never know. You could have been the one that had all the horrible side effects, or died from it." His words did make me feel a bit better.
Ahhh, as the saying goes. Two steps forward, one step back.....

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Spring Fever

Is spring fever when you just don't want to do anything? You just want to enjoy the beautiful weather. Take a nice cozy nap under a tree, with just the perfect breeze, ever so slightly blowing. Ahhhhhhh That's how I feel today. I've been up since 6am. Scratched off some things from the to-do list. I'm ready for a nap! I don't have time. I am going to meet a friend at Denny's for that "free" Grand Slamwich deal. Yeah, buy one get one free. Maybe it won't be too crowded. Maybe I'll power nap instead...... Ahh, to snooze or not to snooze? That is the question.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Keeping It Real !

I have been doing a bit more blog cruising lately. I made a decision. I am going to keep it real. I am finding that so many blogs are just "life is so fun, and perfect." Well, it's not, and we all know it. I want to keep my blog real and share what is going on in my life. That is why I started doing this. I am a difficult nut to crack. I will admit that. For some reason, I am better able to communicate with my fingers than with my mouth. Go figure. I really do want to share my "journey." Part of that sharing is the up hill and down hill battles.
I currently am dealing with a major uphill battle, which is dealing with my brothers passing. There is not an area in my life that has not been affected by it. Financially, Physically, Emotionally, you name it! I love to swim. If you swim, you will be able to understand my next statement. I am now feeling like, when you jump into a deep pool, hit the bottom, and instead of pushing yourself off the pool floor and speeding up your descent, you just slowly..... look up.. see the sun shining through the water and feel yourself slowly start floating up. I just don't have any "umph" left in me to push myself off the pool floor. I'm okay with that, because for almost 2 months I felt like I was laying on the bottom of the pool floor weighted down by something so heavy and large, that all my strength would never be able to get it off me. Thank you Heavenly Father, for not giving up on me, even when I was angry and hurt!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dance Till Ya Can't Dance No More!

Earlier I posted I was dancing in the rain. Well, it seems FINALLY
the rain is letting up. At least for today... I will be thankful for this ray of hope, beam of sunshine. I guess I am coming to grips with the fact that God is doing some major stuff with me this year. Nothing I didn't need. I don't like to live in denial. So, for today, I am gonna dance til I can't dance no more baby!
I am getting frustrated that I can't get a good enough block of time in my day to do what I need to do. I spend so much time on the daw-gone road!! I think today ALONE I will have put 100 miles on my Suburban! YIKES! Did you notice gas is going up!?
Arrrr! Just when I was catching my breath.
Well, I tried to cancel my gym membership and guess what? Apparently, LA Fitness has some "loop" where the paperwork has to go in 20 days before your payment is due. Sooooo, now I have until May 7. BUT,... I paid first and last months payment so actually, I have a membership until June 7. Hmmm, what excuse will I come up with next? NONE! I better get my gluteus maximus in there. I also got to look up my "activity" and it's pitiful!~ No wonder I am seeing such
results. I am being realistic and giving myself a break due to my brother's passing. Slowly but surely as my mother says.
Well, for know I have a piece of the dance floor calling my name! I am crankin up the Jams today, and gonna drown myself in loud, upbeat music. Wish I had an awesome sound system in my truck, then I could compete with some of those cars that come up next to you and you feel your car start vibrating. HA! Just had a funny visual. I'm jamming out loud and proud to Miley Cyrus and pull up to one of them cars...
Hope that puts a smile on your face, like it did mine! : )

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Crazy Mother Nature!?

Mother nature has been in a weird mood lately! It's like she can't make up her mind.
We get teased with this gorgeous, and I do mean gorgeous weather. The kind of weather that makes you want to play hookie from work, and just soak up that just perfect sunshine! The get out and walk the dog, play with the kids, sit an read a book under a tree weather, the kind of day you read about in books that take an entire page to describe it's perfectness, is the kind of days we got teased with. Let me get something straight here, it was a tease. Just a few. Nothing that would make us put all our eggs in one basket, as we say here in the south.
Suddenly, HOLY FIRECRACKER BATMAN! IT's freeeeeeezing outside!!! Not just cold, but cold and windy!! I have a friend in Amarillo. The last time we chatted they had gotten 18 inches of snow and the visibility was about zero. Did I mention it's late MARCH? SNOW! TEXAS!? Who knows what is going on with mother nature. Perhaps she is not taking her ginko-bilboa and she forgot we are ahem, in SPRING? Here in north Texas this time of year, you usually hear "I've had my air conditioner on since February." My truck is so filthy, it looks like the vehicles you see on the news that have layers and layers of dirt on them after a bad storm. Every time, I think of giving Stella a bath, the weatherman tells me otherwise. I think I'm going to just run her through tomorrow, regardless. Who's Stella, you ask? My Suburban of course. Yes, she has a name. My other suburban was named Ethel. It was the older model with a HUGE gas tank. I loved it, cuz I could go almost forever without having to get gas. Not only that, prices weren't up in the sky then, like they are now.
On the "fitness" note. I think I am going to have to break down and cancel my gym membership. Tears, sniff, more tears. With me being "in between jobs" I need to cut back here and there, on a few little things that add up. I am dreading making the phone call, cuz those sales people can be pushy!! We all gotta make a living, I know. I am banking on some good walk outside weather that should be coming up here soon. Then we have the summer coming up, and I get to swim my heart out. I am counting on the offer of a generous couple I know, that don't mind me and my children invading their gorgeous pool. With the latest on the weather forefront, I'm afraid to think what this means about the type of summer we will have. We shall have to wait and see, wait and see, my chicas.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Suburban for sale or rent!!!

I have that song in my head... trailer for sale or rent..
It would be because my suburban is driving me crazy!! After it breaking down TWICE on two separate trips it NOW has the "service engine" light on! Umm, yeah! Thought I just did that buddy! Well, cuz that's on, the hubster has grounded me to driving around here only. Do you know what a cramp that puts in my style!? If I was working I would probably not be so concerned. I would work an extra shift and get the thing fixed. Nope! Lucy, can't do that no more, Ricky!
Thank goodness we have found some things to do close buy this spring break. Usually, we are all over the place. I guess since we have also been sick, it's not hurt us that bad. I want whoever put the "voodoo" on my truck to take it off, NOW baby! I use that word jokingly of course. For some reason my daughter picked it up somewhere and now she thinks "voodoo" is some sort of common practice. I know she doesn't know what it really means. Trust me if I could do it, I would voodoo myself into a size 4!!
OMG! Talk about char ma! I was at Costco the other day and who do I see sitting there, eating a salad and pretzels??? (notice I reference the salad?) My water instructor!! We talked for a bit and she said, "it's been awhile, hasn't it?"
I didn't tell her what I was going through. I believe I ran into her for a reason, and that was my divine kick in the butt. I hear ya, big man! I am going to count on the fact that exercise helps relieve depression. (not sure if "relieve" is the right word there) I need some major relief! Ta Ta for now chicas!~~

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Gotta Keep on, keeping on!

Today marks the one month anniversary of my brothers passing. Through this past month I have recalled a conversation my brother and I had when he was about to undergo his amputation. (he had his right leg amputated just below the knee)
This was a troubling time for him. He had been trying to fight an infection and the infection was winning. The doctors tried all they could, but it came down to him having to lose part of his leg. He was crying when we talked and he asked me, "What am I going to do without a leg?" My reply was, "You have gotta keep on, keeping on!"
It was trying to be positive. I can't tell you how many times I have heard myself say those words this past month. Little did I know, those exact words would haunt me very soon.
Ever since he was hospitalized for the last time in late January I have had trouble sleeping. I am one that does not like light, music or anything to fall asleep with. I began using my IPOD to fall asleep with. My daughter had borrowed my IPOD and left it in my husbands car. For about a week I had been asking him to bring in my IPOD, because as life goes, I would only think of it when we were getting in bed and that would be late. Last night, he actually got out of bed and went to the car to get it for me. I guess he could sense I really needed it. Like I previously mentioned yesterday was a rough day! I turned on the IPOD and my daughter had left it on a Miley Cyrus album. I was flipping through the functions trying to find what I was going to listen to and the words caught my attention. I just broke down crying even more when I heard the entire song. It is titled I Miss you. It is off her Hannah Montana 2 CD.
So today in closing I just want to say, I miss you bro!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Where do I begin?

The child is my brother when he was young.
The other picture is his pall bearers
carrying him out of the funeral home, to
take the long ride to the church.

I don't even know where to start. That also is so true in my life. Where do I start picking up the pieces? What do I do first to get my new life going?
My brother passed away peacefully in his home early on a Sunday morning.
February 15, 2009. He was just a couple of months away from turning 49. I still can't believe it, can't accept it. I don't want to except it. It is so complicated with my "immediate" family now. Having lost my father at age 17, my brother was also in the father figure role somewhat. The bigger and more important role he played in my life was that he was the "glue" that kept me tied to my sister. Now that my sister is going to be handling my mother's health, finances and all other matters it is going to be interesting. Her and I have never had this fabulous sister bond. I just pray. God knew what he was doing taking my brother at this time. I don't understand!! I thought I was doing better. Today, I have spent in bed crying, and crying. I feel sorry for my kids cuz they are on spring break. I have forced myself out of bed, gotten dressed and am now working on blogging which I have procrastinated about long enough. I didn't want to do it, because it's like when I get to the keyboard, my fingers have a life of their own. Words, just flow. I can express myself in a way which I can't vocally. It's a gift, a curse all at the same time. If I am dealing with a difficult issue, all I have to do is just sit down and type it out. It is as if I can see it better in black and white.
Losing my brother, my job, my best friend all at the same time has forced me to
"take stock" of my life. I am working on changing things, doing things I would not normally do. Good things, I'm not planning on taking up drugs or anything like that.
One thing I have done is entered a blogging contest that is linked to a radio station! That is so not me. I figured since I am better at putting my thoughts on paper so to speak, this was a great beginning. Wish me luck!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dancing In The Rain

I have a "blurb" if you will, on my facebook page. It reads: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. I have been waiting and waiting for this "storm" to pass. I am learning to dance in the rain now. I have to give glory to God today. Glory to God that my brother went to his home, to rest in his bed, for what will be his final days. My gut was telling me he was holding out for some reason. He has refused food for about 3 days now. He stopped taking his meds and refused them inserting a nasograstric (NG) tube. I just learned that he also wants his dialysis turned off now that he is home. I also know that Hospice is now involved. My sister-in-law is dealing with so much right now. My mother with her Parkinson's is not doing much better. We had to put Mom on Valium. Not fun. I can not, nor want to imagine what it would be like to see your son dying. My brother is her oldest child. This will leave only the "girls" in the family as my father has been gone for 23 years now.
My birthday was miserable!! I have never had such a birthday. I am glad that he did not go on my birthday. Mom's birthday is 2 wks from mine. The Dr said it could take anywhere up to 2 wks. I hope it does not go that long, for the sake of my brother and sister-in-law. I pray that he go peacefully, and without pain. I pray my sister-in-law have peace in her heart. I have had a headache for THREE consecutive days now. I know it is all stress.
On a brighter note. I mentioned in my previous post that God would take care of our needs. I just want to mention that we got an unexpected check in the mail!! It was not a large amount, but every penny helps. My husband also got an unexpected bonus this week. That too was not a large sum, but it helps. These 2 checks allowed me to pay 2 bills that were due. Praise God!!
I have always loved a slow gentle rainfall. I love standing there and feeling the raindrops gently wet your skin. I feel it is cleansing. I guess that is what is going on in my life right now. I have made some MAJOR changes in my life that I will talk about later, but I know I am NOW dancing in the rain!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

41 Here I come!

Here it is. The day before my 41st Birthday. I wish I could say I am excited. It has been a gloomy Sunday today. I am writing this in the wee hours of Monday morning, technically still my Sunday night. The news from El Paso regarding my brother is very depressing. This "waiting" for someone to die is truly so devastating. I have never been through anything like this in my life and hope I never have to again. When my father went, he had a brain aneurysm and went into a coma. Thrity three hours later it was over. It was a whirlwind. This is agony. The distance is sheer torture. Waiting for someone to return your call to give you an update is utterly frustrating. I am at the mercy of what, and how much my family chooses to share with me. I want to see it for myself! I want to be there! No, I don't want to see him in this condition. It was hard enough as it was, and all I know is that he looks 10 times worse. I have said from the get go that he is going on my birthday. We will see. It appears we are just days away now. He proposed to his wife (then gf) on my birthday. Silly, brother! What is he trying to say? I guess as far as birthday presents go, I can look at it from this point of view: What a better present than going home to heavan on your birthday can a person give you? I have not had the energy to go to the gym. I have been in a fog, mentally and physically. I am physically, emotionally and financially drained. We will have to make another trip to El Paso when the time comes. I am a firm believer that God knows our needs before we ask him to fulfill them. I have asked for what we need, and am now believeing he will fulfill our needs above and beyond. I will be stronger for this. I will be wiser, most of all I know I will be sad for a very long time.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Tough Times

I am trying to think positive. It's difficult. As a church goer, believer if you will, you are suppose to learn something, get stronger, and grow when tough times come your way. Well, HAVE MERCY!! I am having a MAJOR GROWTH SPURT!!! I must say
it is accompanied with massive growing pains. I thought I was going to make it through today without crying....... NOPE. I started this blog because my brother was very ill with his diabetes. I knew I had to do something about my health, because I do not want to walk down the same road. Well, now it seems we are at or near the end of his road. He has been in the hospital for 11 days now with no improvement. There is not a day that goes by where he does not receive some sort of blood product, be it blood or platelets. He continues on his IV Antibiotics that he has been on for over 2 months, for a MRSA infection. He has C-diff in his intestine. He is no longer able to control his body. He can't turn himself in bed, put his foot up. He does move his arms. His color is yellow, his arms and legs are thinning out. He does not want to eat. He is irritable and grumpy as all get out!! I have to smile as I type that, my gosh does he give his nursing staff H*ll!! I talked to one RN and told her, give it back to him! LOL It pains me greatly to see him in this state. He so does not deserve to die this way. Nobody does. Everyday he is in agony, humiliated, embarrassed, and in constant pain. He is on dialysis 10-24 hours/day. He is taking a mountain of pills per day. I had not been out to El Paso in about 6 years. I did not want to see him in this condition. When he called and asked Christopher to be his pallbearer, I knew it was time to go!! That decision has cost my job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! He got to see his niece and nephew which he was longing to see. The family is pulling together slowly, so maybe that will be the positive out of this. I have NEVER been one of those Chica's that doesn't eat when emotional. I am now.... It is strange to have no appetite. I am reminding myself that I can't let this consume me. It is difficult. Being so far apart and being a "caretaker" I want to be there and take care of him. I have not been to the gym... I have connected with a workout partner. We have not hooked up at the gym yet. Amazing, last year I would have never thought I would be preparing myself to say goodbye to my brother. If this doesn't motivate me to take better care of myself nothing will..........

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ice Ice Baby!!

Well, after a few days of gorgeous get out and walk the dogs weather we are expecting to get some ICE today! yee-ha! sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm....
I did get out and walk 3 times last week. They were good long walks and
I felt good about them. This week will be challenging. We also have a
new member to our family! We adopted a toy poodle names "Lucky!" He is really
cute. I don't know how it will go walking three dogs all at once. I normally
consider myself part Eskimo cuz I love the cold weather, but I have had enough!!
I want sunshine, green grass and sunny days by the pool. Bring it on! My challenge this week is to come up with exercises that I can do in home. I do still have my
gym membership and trying to get a workout partner is proving to be harder than
I thought!! I will not give up though! I will prevail!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I have to vent for a bit, because if I don't then I will probably eat my frustration. I already went to IHOP for breakfast this morning, so I don't
need to misbehave the rest of the day.
Ok, here goes. This OBAMA thing... I tend to have a rule about not talking
religion/spirtuality or politics with people I'm not married too. I am
breaking this rule today. I just don't get it people! All this "history is
being made," "we have come so far" makes me feel like we are focusing on
EXACTLY what we are suppose to not be focused on... THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN!!!
I fell like shouting, HELLO! We obviously have made NO progress if all
the excitement is over a "black" president and not a "well qualified"
president, who happens to be black!? Furthermore is he really "black"?
I have brown skin, yes I do! I am Hispanic, Mexican-American, or Latin call
it what you want. I call myself an AMERICAN! Arrr! I feel my heartbeat
rising... Ok, so maybe you ask... did Chica vote for OBAMA? Obviously, NO!
You might think I am being bitter cuz my guy didn't win, yeah so?! ha ha
Don't get me wrong, I want what is best for this country. At this moment
I am having a really tough time jumping on the halleluiah, we have come so far
wagon. Am I the only one that has this perspective?
Ok, there. I can say it doesn't feel as good as a king size snickers, but I will
be happy that I vented and didn't eat my candy bar in front of the tv yelling
at Charles Gibson. : )

Friday, January 16, 2009


What do you think? I've been wanting to do this for a long time and just have not done it. I went with hearts not for valentines, but because I LOVE myself!! Yee-ha, Woo Hoo and Yippe I Ay! Ok, so I am at least making an effort. I am also working on a "workout" partner. Lots of stuff in the works. lol I feel like this year will bring about many changes if "I" let it. I am the only one that is holding myself back, and I now realize that. Years ago in nursing school we went to a summer camp in Colorado. It was beautiful and I have to say one of the key moments in my life. We had to do this "obstacle" course if you will.... It involved swinging from one tall tree to another with the harness on you and holding on to a wire, it had a rope bridge that you had to cross and at the end it had a bar about 2-3 feet out. You were suppose to jump and grab the bar and the people on the ground would slowly let you down. This was not only physically challenging but mentally challenging. It was moving, it was life changing. I wish I could say I jumped... I didn't! What a bummer. I did sit on the board and slide off and they lowered me to the ground.
I don't consider it a failure since I did complete the course and being of my weight I think that is pretty remarkable! I don't have pictures of it, I wish I did. They are however forever etched in my mind. I feel as if I am on this course and am coming upon the end, and this time I need to jump by golly! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Seems familiar

It always happens, just when you get yourself psyched up and ready to go...
BAM! You get sick! Yep! Not able to keep anything in.... I've been in bed
for 2 days now. I hate missing such a gorgeous day out especially when I know
tomorrow is going to be freezing! So what is it, feed a cold? starve a fever?
or does this nurse have it backwards? It doesn't matter, I'm going to go try
and make chicken soup. Not the open the can kind either, the throw everything
in a pot and the sheer thought of homemade chicken soup should provide
healing powers. Yeah, sure! We shall see what happens.....

Monday, January 12, 2009

Here we go again...

I have not given up! I will not give up! I will not give up! I have been trying really hard to work on "loving" myself as I am. My gosh, so much easier said than done. I think nurses are excellenct examples of people that take such good care of others but neglect themselves. So many in this profession are overweight, and smokers. I don't think you can say the same thing about Doctors. Maybe because they work so many darn crazy hours they somehow stay in shape that way?
This time of year it is so interesting all the gym commercials and weight loss commercials that start popping up. I really wish I could talk to Wyonna Judd. Alli? Really? Come on! I have to share a hilarious story about Alli and why I think so negatively about it.
As any place where there are many females topics of just about anything go! There was a nurse on our unit that decided she needed to lose a few pounds and would try Alli. Let me just say, she was not your typical overweight girl. She is one of the smart ones that pays attention to when she gains a few pounds and takes action so she can maintain a healthy weight. This girl is crazy and will divulge ANY information about her private life. Hence, why this story was pretty much public knowledge. So, she is at work one day and has taken her Alli. As it warns, she had "flatulance" issues. Gas for lay terms. She thought she found a quiet spot to relieve herself, when to her surprise it was not just "gas" that came out!!!
Yep! You guessed it! As they say in the movie Along Came Polly, she "sharted!"
Luckily it was not a large amount, but nonetheless she did have to change her clothing which is a warning on the bottle!! It tells you to be prepared that you may have to be with a change of clothes while you are on it. It happens when you don't follow a healthy diet and if you eat anything high in fat, etc. Yeah, I can laugh at this because it did not happen to me. Heavens forbid you are somewhere that it is difficult for you to cover up or get away. NO THANKS! I guess I see Alli as a form of medication that causes unpleasantness like the medication that people take when they are not suppose to drink (Antabuse). I will keep going... one step at a time.