Mother nature has been in a weird mood lately! It's like she can't make up her mind.
We get teased with this gorgeous, and I do mean gorgeous weather. The kind of weather that makes you want to play hookie from work, and just soak up that just perfect sunshine! The get out and walk the dog, play with the kids, sit an read a book under a tree weather, the kind of day you read about in books that take an entire page to describe it's perfectness, is the kind of days we got teased with. Let me get something straight here, it was a tease. Just a few. Nothing that would make us put all our eggs in one basket, as we say here in the south.
Suddenly, HOLY FIRECRACKER BATMAN! IT's freeeeeeezing outside!!! Not just cold, but cold and windy!! I have a friend in Amarillo. The last time we chatted they had gotten 18 inches of snow and the visibility was about zero. Did I mention it's late MARCH? SNOW! TEXAS!? Who knows what is going on with mother nature. Perhaps she is not taking her ginko-bilboa and she forgot we are ahem, in SPRING? Here in north Texas this time of year, you usually hear "I've had my air conditioner on since February." My truck is so filthy, it looks like the vehicles you see on the news that have layers and layers of dirt on them after a bad storm. Every time, I think of giving Stella a bath, the weatherman tells me otherwise. I think I'm going to just run her through tomorrow, regardless. Who's Stella, you ask? My Suburban of course. Yes, she has a name. My other suburban was named Ethel. It was the older model with a HUGE gas tank. I loved it, cuz I could go almost forever without having to get gas. Not only that, prices weren't up in the sky then, like they are now.
On the "fitness" note. I think I am going to have to break down and cancel my gym membership. Tears, sniff, more tears. With me being "in between jobs" I need to cut back here and there, on a few little things that add up. I am dreading making the phone call, cuz those sales people can be pushy!! We all gotta make a living, I know. I am banking on some good walk outside weather that should be coming up here soon. Then we have the summer coming up, and I get to swim my heart out. I am counting on the offer of a generous couple I know, that don't mind me and my children invading their gorgeous pool. With the latest on the weather forefront, I'm afraid to think what this means about the type of summer we will have. We shall have to wait and see, wait and see, my chicas.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Suburban for sale or rent!!!
I have that song in my head... trailer for sale or rent..
It would be because my suburban is driving me crazy!! After it breaking down TWICE on two separate trips it NOW has the "service engine" light on! Umm, yeah! Thought I just did that buddy! Well, cuz that's on, the hubster has grounded me to driving around here only. Do you know what a cramp that puts in my style!? If I was working I would probably not be so concerned. I would work an extra shift and get the thing fixed. Nope! Lucy, can't do that no more, Ricky!
Thank goodness we have found some things to do close buy this spring break. Usually, we are all over the place. I guess since we have also been sick, it's not hurt us that bad. I want whoever put the "voodoo" on my truck to take it off, NOW baby! I use that word jokingly of course. For some reason my daughter picked it up somewhere and now she thinks "voodoo" is some sort of common practice. I know she doesn't know what it really means. Trust me if I could do it, I would voodoo myself into a size 4!!
OMG! Talk about char ma! I was at Costco the other day and who do I see sitting there, eating a salad and pretzels??? (notice I reference the salad?) My water instructor!! We talked for a bit and she said, "it's been awhile, hasn't it?"
I didn't tell her what I was going through. I believe I ran into her for a reason, and that was my divine kick in the butt. I hear ya, big man! I am going to count on the fact that exercise helps relieve depression. (not sure if "relieve" is the right word there) I need some major relief! Ta Ta for now chicas!~~
It would be because my suburban is driving me crazy!! After it breaking down TWICE on two separate trips it NOW has the "service engine" light on! Umm, yeah! Thought I just did that buddy! Well, cuz that's on, the hubster has grounded me to driving around here only. Do you know what a cramp that puts in my style!? If I was working I would probably not be so concerned. I would work an extra shift and get the thing fixed. Nope! Lucy, can't do that no more, Ricky!
Thank goodness we have found some things to do close buy this spring break. Usually, we are all over the place. I guess since we have also been sick, it's not hurt us that bad. I want whoever put the "voodoo" on my truck to take it off, NOW baby! I use that word jokingly of course. For some reason my daughter picked it up somewhere and now she thinks "voodoo" is some sort of common practice. I know she doesn't know what it really means. Trust me if I could do it, I would voodoo myself into a size 4!!
OMG! Talk about char ma! I was at Costco the other day and who do I see sitting there, eating a salad and pretzels??? (notice I reference the salad?) My water instructor!! We talked for a bit and she said, "it's been awhile, hasn't it?"
I didn't tell her what I was going through. I believe I ran into her for a reason, and that was my divine kick in the butt. I hear ya, big man! I am going to count on the fact that exercise helps relieve depression. (not sure if "relieve" is the right word there) I need some major relief! Ta Ta for now chicas!~~
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Gotta Keep on, keeping on!
Today marks the one month anniversary of my brothers passing. Through this past month I have recalled a conversation my brother and I had when he was about to undergo his amputation. (he had his right leg amputated just below the knee)
This was a troubling time for him. He had been trying to fight an infection and the infection was winning. The doctors tried all they could, but it came down to him having to lose part of his leg. He was crying when we talked and he asked me, "What am I going to do without a leg?" My reply was, "You have gotta keep on, keeping on!"
It was trying to be positive. I can't tell you how many times I have heard myself say those words this past month. Little did I know, those exact words would haunt me very soon.
Ever since he was hospitalized for the last time in late January I have had trouble sleeping. I am one that does not like light, music or anything to fall asleep with. I began using my IPOD to fall asleep with. My daughter had borrowed my IPOD and left it in my husbands car. For about a week I had been asking him to bring in my IPOD, because as life goes, I would only think of it when we were getting in bed and that would be late. Last night, he actually got out of bed and went to the car to get it for me. I guess he could sense I really needed it. Like I previously mentioned yesterday was a rough day! I turned on the IPOD and my daughter had left it on a Miley Cyrus album. I was flipping through the functions trying to find what I was going to listen to and the words caught my attention. I just broke down crying even more when I heard the entire song. It is titled I Miss you. It is off her Hannah Montana 2 CD.
So today in closing I just want to say, I miss you bro!
This was a troubling time for him. He had been trying to fight an infection and the infection was winning. The doctors tried all they could, but it came down to him having to lose part of his leg. He was crying when we talked and he asked me, "What am I going to do without a leg?" My reply was, "You have gotta keep on, keeping on!"
It was trying to be positive. I can't tell you how many times I have heard myself say those words this past month. Little did I know, those exact words would haunt me very soon.
Ever since he was hospitalized for the last time in late January I have had trouble sleeping. I am one that does not like light, music or anything to fall asleep with. I began using my IPOD to fall asleep with. My daughter had borrowed my IPOD and left it in my husbands car. For about a week I had been asking him to bring in my IPOD, because as life goes, I would only think of it when we were getting in bed and that would be late. Last night, he actually got out of bed and went to the car to get it for me. I guess he could sense I really needed it. Like I previously mentioned yesterday was a rough day! I turned on the IPOD and my daughter had left it on a Miley Cyrus album. I was flipping through the functions trying to find what I was going to listen to and the words caught my attention. I just broke down crying even more when I heard the entire song. It is titled I Miss you. It is off her Hannah Montana 2 CD.
So today in closing I just want to say, I miss you bro!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Where do I begin?
The child is my brother when he was young.
The other picture is his pall bearers
carrying him out of the funeral home, to
take the long ride to the church.
I don't even know where to start. That also is so true in my life. Where do I start picking up the pieces? What do I do first to get my new life going?
My brother passed away peacefully in his home early on a Sunday morning.
February 15, 2009. He was just a couple of months away from turning 49. I still can't believe it, can't accept it. I don't want to except it. It is so complicated with my "immediate" family now. Having lost my father at age 17, my brother was also in the father figure role somewhat. The bigger and more important role he played in my life was that he was the "glue" that kept me tied to my sister. Now that my sister is going to be handling my mother's health, finances and all other matters it is going to be interesting. Her and I have never had this fabulous sister bond. I just pray. God knew what he was doing taking my brother at this time. I don't understand!! I thought I was doing better. Today, I have spent in bed crying, and crying. I feel sorry for my kids cuz they are on spring break. I have forced myself out of bed, gotten dressed and am now working on blogging which I have procrastinated about long enough. I didn't want to do it, because it's like when I get to the keyboard, my fingers have a life of their own. Words, just flow. I can express myself in a way which I can't vocally. It's a gift, a curse all at the same time. If I am dealing with a difficult issue, all I have to do is just sit down and type it out. It is as if I can see it better in black and white.
Losing my brother, my job, my best friend all at the same time has forced me to
"take stock" of my life. I am working on changing things, doing things I would not normally do. Good things, I'm not planning on taking up drugs or anything like that.
One thing I have done is entered a blogging contest that is linked to a radio station! That is so not me. I figured since I am better at putting my thoughts on paper so to speak, this was a great beginning. Wish me luck!
The other picture is his pall bearers
carrying him out of the funeral home, to
take the long ride to the church.
I don't even know where to start. That also is so true in my life. Where do I start picking up the pieces? What do I do first to get my new life going?
My brother passed away peacefully in his home early on a Sunday morning.
February 15, 2009. He was just a couple of months away from turning 49. I still can't believe it, can't accept it. I don't want to except it. It is so complicated with my "immediate" family now. Having lost my father at age 17, my brother was also in the father figure role somewhat. The bigger and more important role he played in my life was that he was the "glue" that kept me tied to my sister. Now that my sister is going to be handling my mother's health, finances and all other matters it is going to be interesting. Her and I have never had this fabulous sister bond. I just pray. God knew what he was doing taking my brother at this time. I don't understand!! I thought I was doing better. Today, I have spent in bed crying, and crying. I feel sorry for my kids cuz they are on spring break. I have forced myself out of bed, gotten dressed and am now working on blogging which I have procrastinated about long enough. I didn't want to do it, because it's like when I get to the keyboard, my fingers have a life of their own. Words, just flow. I can express myself in a way which I can't vocally. It's a gift, a curse all at the same time. If I am dealing with a difficult issue, all I have to do is just sit down and type it out. It is as if I can see it better in black and white.
Losing my brother, my job, my best friend all at the same time has forced me to
"take stock" of my life. I am working on changing things, doing things I would not normally do. Good things, I'm not planning on taking up drugs or anything like that.
One thing I have done is entered a blogging contest that is linked to a radio station! That is so not me. I figured since I am better at putting my thoughts on paper so to speak, this was a great beginning. Wish me luck!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Dancing In The Rain
I have a "blurb" if you will, on my facebook page. It reads: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. I have been waiting and waiting for this "storm" to pass. I am learning to dance in the rain now. I have to give glory to God today. Glory to God that my brother went to his home, to rest in his bed, for what will be his final days. My gut was telling me he was holding out for some reason. He has refused food for about 3 days now. He stopped taking his meds and refused them inserting a nasograstric (NG) tube. I just learned that he also wants his dialysis turned off now that he is home. I also know that Hospice is now involved. My sister-in-law is dealing with so much right now. My mother with her Parkinson's is not doing much better. We had to put Mom on Valium. Not fun. I can not, nor want to imagine what it would be like to see your son dying. My brother is her oldest child. This will leave only the "girls" in the family as my father has been gone for 23 years now.
My birthday was miserable!! I have never had such a birthday. I am glad that he did not go on my birthday. Mom's birthday is 2 wks from mine. The Dr said it could take anywhere up to 2 wks. I hope it does not go that long, for the sake of my brother and sister-in-law. I pray that he go peacefully, and without pain. I pray my sister-in-law have peace in her heart. I have had a headache for THREE consecutive days now. I know it is all stress.
On a brighter note. I mentioned in my previous post that God would take care of our needs. I just want to mention that we got an unexpected check in the mail!! It was not a large amount, but every penny helps. My husband also got an unexpected bonus this week. That too was not a large sum, but it helps. These 2 checks allowed me to pay 2 bills that were due. Praise God!!
I have always loved a slow gentle rainfall. I love standing there and feeling the raindrops gently wet your skin. I feel it is cleansing. I guess that is what is going on in my life right now. I have made some MAJOR changes in my life that I will talk about later, but I know I am NOW dancing in the rain!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
41 Here I come!
Here it is. The day before my 41st Birthday. I wish I could say I am excited. It has been a gloomy Sunday today. I am writing this in the wee hours of Monday morning, technically still my Sunday night. The news from El Paso regarding my brother is very depressing. This "waiting" for someone to die is truly so devastating. I have never been through anything like this in my life and hope I never have to again. When my father went, he had a brain aneurysm and went into a coma. Thrity three hours later it was over. It was a whirlwind. This is agony. The distance is sheer torture. Waiting for someone to return your call to give you an update is utterly frustrating. I am at the mercy of what, and how much my family chooses to share with me. I want to see it for myself! I want to be there! No, I don't want to see him in this condition. It was hard enough as it was, and all I know is that he looks 10 times worse. I have said from the get go that he is going on my birthday. We will see. It appears we are just days away now. He proposed to his wife (then gf) on my birthday. Silly, brother! What is he trying to say? I guess as far as birthday presents go, I can look at it from this point of view: What a better present than going home to heavan on your birthday can a person give you? I have not had the energy to go to the gym. I have been in a fog, mentally and physically. I am physically, emotionally and financially drained. We will have to make another trip to El Paso when the time comes. I am a firm believer that God knows our needs before we ask him to fulfill them. I have asked for what we need, and am now believeing he will fulfill our needs above and beyond. I will be stronger for this. I will be wiser, most of all I know I will be sad for a very long time.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tough Times
I am trying to think positive. It's difficult. As a church goer, believer if you will, you are suppose to learn something, get stronger, and grow when tough times come your way. Well, HAVE MERCY!! I am having a MAJOR GROWTH SPURT!!! I must say
it is accompanied with massive growing pains. I thought I was going to make it through today without crying....... NOPE. I started this blog because my brother was very ill with his diabetes. I knew I had to do something about my health, because I do not want to walk down the same road. Well, now it seems we are at or near the end of his road. He has been in the hospital for 11 days now with no improvement. There is not a day that goes by where he does not receive some sort of blood product, be it blood or platelets. He continues on his IV Antibiotics that he has been on for over 2 months, for a MRSA infection. He has C-diff in his intestine. He is no longer able to control his body. He can't turn himself in bed, put his foot up. He does move his arms. His color is yellow, his arms and legs are thinning out. He does not want to eat. He is irritable and grumpy as all get out!! I have to smile as I type that, my gosh does he give his nursing staff H*ll!! I talked to one RN and told her, give it back to him! LOL It pains me greatly to see him in this state. He so does not deserve to die this way. Nobody does. Everyday he is in agony, humiliated, embarrassed, and in constant pain. He is on dialysis 10-24 hours/day. He is taking a mountain of pills per day. I had not been out to El Paso in about 6 years. I did not want to see him in this condition. When he called and asked Christopher to be his pallbearer, I knew it was time to go!! That decision has cost my job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! He got to see his niece and nephew which he was longing to see. The family is pulling together slowly, so maybe that will be the positive out of this. I have NEVER been one of those Chica's that doesn't eat when emotional. I am now.... It is strange to have no appetite. I am reminding myself that I can't let this consume me. It is difficult. Being so far apart and being a "caretaker" I want to be there and take care of him. I have not been to the gym... I have connected with a workout partner. We have not hooked up at the gym yet. Amazing, last year I would have never thought I would be preparing myself to say goodbye to my brother. If this doesn't motivate me to take better care of myself nothing will..........
it is accompanied with massive growing pains. I thought I was going to make it through today without crying....... NOPE. I started this blog because my brother was very ill with his diabetes. I knew I had to do something about my health, because I do not want to walk down the same road. Well, now it seems we are at or near the end of his road. He has been in the hospital for 11 days now with no improvement. There is not a day that goes by where he does not receive some sort of blood product, be it blood or platelets. He continues on his IV Antibiotics that he has been on for over 2 months, for a MRSA infection. He has C-diff in his intestine. He is no longer able to control his body. He can't turn himself in bed, put his foot up. He does move his arms. His color is yellow, his arms and legs are thinning out. He does not want to eat. He is irritable and grumpy as all get out!! I have to smile as I type that, my gosh does he give his nursing staff H*ll!! I talked to one RN and told her, give it back to him! LOL It pains me greatly to see him in this state. He so does not deserve to die this way. Nobody does. Everyday he is in agony, humiliated, embarrassed, and in constant pain. He is on dialysis 10-24 hours/day. He is taking a mountain of pills per day. I had not been out to El Paso in about 6 years. I did not want to see him in this condition. When he called and asked Christopher to be his pallbearer, I knew it was time to go!! That decision has cost my job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! He got to see his niece and nephew which he was longing to see. The family is pulling together slowly, so maybe that will be the positive out of this. I have NEVER been one of those Chica's that doesn't eat when emotional. I am now.... It is strange to have no appetite. I am reminding myself that I can't let this consume me. It is difficult. Being so far apart and being a "caretaker" I want to be there and take care of him. I have not been to the gym... I have connected with a workout partner. We have not hooked up at the gym yet. Amazing, last year I would have never thought I would be preparing myself to say goodbye to my brother. If this doesn't motivate me to take better care of myself nothing will..........
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